The Leroy Lockhorn Appreciation Society

Did I Tell You About . . . ?

2010-07-03T08:20:00.002-04:00

Even Leroy Lockhorn, the most interesting man in the world, needs to update his repertoire once in a while. Loretta gladly reminds him of this as they're off to yet another Levittown cocktail party. He may have to rely tonight on his old tried-and-true standard, and that is speaking out against the institution of matrimony. As an afterthought, you would think Leroy has thousands of hospital stories, given his medical history.

Ashes To Ashes

2010-07-02T13:33:00.002-04:00

Loretta has served Leroy his dinner. It is an abomination, as is anything Loretta has ever cooked. This time we have a steak, burnt beyond recognition, of the consistency of shoe leather, and emitting acrid fumes throughout the dining room. This wouldn't be the first time Leroy has recited a requiem in memory of whatever the culinary atrocity on his plate used to be.

In Absentia

2010-07-01T08:10:00.003-04:00

Leroy wasn't around today, so Loretta couldn't insult him in front of an audience (comprising the sole bored looking neighbor) as usual. She resorts to insulting him when he's not even there, but it's not the same. Who prints pictures made from cell phones, anyway?

Hey, Wait A Second

2010-06-30T07:28:00.002-04:00

I'm guessing that Leroy has asked Dr. H. Blog M.D. for a second opinion after the doctor informed him he was overweight, hence the doctor's comment. I say guessing because I don't know what actually happened, since the doctor's response does not seem to fit at all as a retort to "I want a second opinion." The confusion and awkwardness is enhanced further by Loretta's giggling at Leroy's misfortune, especially since, as I have pointed out several times lately, their bodies have exactly the same shape.

The Mother Of Learning

2010-06-29T07:16:00.002-04:00

A woman neighbor visits Loretta. She sits on the couch, transfixed with a stare of boredom, as though she would rather be anywhere else on the planet, as Loretta insults her napping husband with yet another play on words. I wonder why this scene seems so familiar?

Burqa Swimwear

2010-06-28T08:17:00.004-04:00

Leroy recalls yesterday's episode at Jones Beach when it was revealed he has the body of a frog, so it stands to reason he wouldn't want to look at Loretta's body if he can help it, since their body types are, to all appearances, identical.

I Do Not Understand

2010-06-27T08:30:00.005-04:00

Panel One, upper left Love means never having to say, "Love means never having to say, "Love means never having to say, . . . and so forth. This is an infinite loop, reminiscent of the trap one falls in when one relies on cliches too often. Nonetheless, Leroy deserves credit for disguising his wisdom as a proud proclamation of his cheapness.

Panel Two, lower left Loretta receives many women visitors. Invariably, she leads them directly by wherever Leroy happens to be in the house for the express purpose of insulting Leroy in front of an audience. This ritual has been enacted thousands of times, each with its own unique effect. The woman visitors always look the same, though.

Center Panel There you have it. Leroy has the body of a frog. Knowing this, we can assume Loretta does also, since, when clothed, their bodies look exactly alike. You would think an amphibious couple would spend more time at the beach, but this is their first visit all year. I do not understand Loretta's comment; how does one "stay sucking"?

Panel Four, upper right In hot doubles action on the local tennis courts, Leroy tries to motivate his partner, Loretta, the legendary chatterbox of Levittown.

Panel Five, lower right Real-life attorney Ted Sklar peers down at the Lockhorns, out on their Sunday drive, from a billboard. I do not understand Loretta's comment. Surely she means exactly the opposite, that Leroy is extremely unlucky, otherwise he'd have divorced her years ago. Theirs is a marriage held together by the bonds of cheapness. Nobody can accuse Ted Sklar of false advertising.

Cheep! Cheep! Cheep!

2010-06-26T08:05:00.002-04:00

It's the rare evening where the Lockhorns dine out in style, which means at an establishment that is not a fast food joint. Loretta voices her opinion on the matter in her trademark sarcastic manner when the waiter presents her with the ketchup. Touche. As the evening wears on, the waiter will likely have some good stories to pass on to his coworkers for when business is slow.

Passive Aggression Or Aggressive Passivity?

2010-06-25T08:21:00.003-04:00

It figures that Loretta, when caught off guard, is bedecked in the most cliched getup imaginable for the American housewife: bathrobe, hair curlers, fuzzy slippers, but I have to ask, where's the mudpack? Leroy's expression clearly indicates that the timing of his invitation to the neighbors was purely intentional. When has he ever invited neighbors over, anyway? The male guest and Leroy exchange knowing glances. I figure the couple have been contemplating marriage, and Leroy set the guy straight in a most striking way.

Where's Marie Curie When You Need Her?

2010-06-24T07:52:00.002-04:00

After the extremely rare occasion when Leroy buys Loretta a ring, what does she do but bring it right to the jewelers to get it appraised! You can't blame her for her curiosity, as Leroy's cheapness is legendary. Who knows where he got that thing? Why, its stone consists of a mineral unknown to science! Or, it could be the jeweler flunked chemistry in high school.

It's Cheaper Than HBO

2010-06-23T08:52:00.003-04:00

Today's scene is familiar. Leroy is napping in his favorite armchair. Loretta receives a visitor. Loretta wastes no time in parading her visitor by the reposing Leroy, for the express purpose of insulting Leroy in front of an audience. The neighbors always seem bored or annoyed by such performances, but you have to wonder why they keep visiting the Lockhorns with such consistent frequency. Maybe it's like watching cable TV. You know it's nothing but crap, and yet, you keep going back for more.

Riposte!

2010-06-22T07:44:00.002-04:00

At first glance, Loretta's extravagantly arrogant pose takes center stage, as she gloats in triumph in her trademark affected manner, having officially conferred upon her husband the status of public butt of complaints. A closer inspection, however, reveals that it is Leroy who steals the show with his excellent deadpan reaction.

Word Up

2010-06-21T07:48:00.002-04:00

Even though Scrabble is a word game, Loretta's comment just doesn't make sense. If you're at all familiar with the game, I'm sure you'll agree. Loretta probably has hundreds of tired old idioms and cliches, all involving the noun "word," in mind for recital during tonight's game. A word to the wise.

What Can I Say?

2010-06-20T08:18:00.003-04:00

In Panel One, upper left, Leroy inexplicably leaves himself wide open by tossing out an idiom which Loretta, naturally enough, chews up and spits out right back in his face.

Panel Two, lower left, has the Lockhorns in their bathroom. It's impossible to tell exactly what's going on here. From the gist of Loretta's comment, I can only surmise that's a tube of Preparation H she's holding there. Then again, she could just be caulking the bathroom mirror, but who knows?

Taking in a local production of The Three Penny Opera is a good way to support the arts, as Loretta is wont do do, even if it always involves dragging along an unwilling Leroy. He'll have his say, and it always begins with complaints about the ticket prices, as seen here in Center Panel.

In Panel Four, upper right, the Lockhorns' woes with every imaginable facet of the airline industry continue. Despite having a body with Leroy's exact same dimensions, Loretta somehow managed to escape the humiliation at the hands of the security personnel that Leroy now endures.

You can bet Leroy's been belting down those scotch-and-sodas all night long in Panel Five, lower left, as he partakes in an all too familiar scene at Levittown's latest cocktail bash. With his tongue dangling out the side of his mouth, he tries bumping hips with an hourglass-figured woman whose hips would come up to about Leroy's neck, if he had one. Loretta, no doubt weary from the evening's proceedings, isn't quite up to her usual standards, as her commentary on the spectacle fails to impress her neighbor.

A Bird In The Hand

2010-06-19T10:19:00.003-04:00

Leroy, yet again, is embroiled in a ferocious argument with one of his neighbors. His irascibility toward his neighbors is legendary. Many of these heated discussions turn to fisticuffs, and it seems like Leroy's interlocutor is deciding between clenching his fist in anticipation of such, or flipping Leroy the bird. Loretta, of course, is there to provide commentary to whomever she can get to listen. She seems to be implying that Leroy brightens up a room by leaving it.

Hot Feces Is Cold Comfort At A Time Like This

2010-06-18T08:13:00.004-04:00

Today's Lockhorns panel employs two elements crucial to its astounding success over the years. One element is, of course, Leroy's carping about Loretta's atrocious cooking. The other element is the time-honored Lockhorns tradition of wordplay on some tired old idiom, in this case "cold comfort," which predates Shakespearean times. The wordplay depends on the idiotic phrase "comfort food," but it is severely hampered here because the modifier "cold" could be misconstrued as pertaining to the temperature of the culinary monstrosity Loretta has served up, instead of the horrifying quality of its essence, as was surely intended. In an attempt to prod the reader in the right direction, the cartoonists depicted the meal in question to resemble exactly, within the context of the delightfully minimalist style in which the comic is drawn, a pile of shit.

Cockroaches In Levittown

2010-06-17T09:08:00.003-04:00

Leroy reposes in his favorite armchair, probably exhausted from the latest round of bickering with Loretta. I say this because Loretta doesn't look all too chipper herself. Nonetheless, she staunchly performs her duty by complaining about her husband to her neighbor.

Oblong In The Tooth

2010-06-16T08:02:00.003-04:00

Leroy carries on the Lockhorns tradition of insulting one's spouse by wordplay on a tired old idiom. An irate Loretta no doubt will get her chance to return serve, as these two longtime adversaries are evenly matched in this clever skill. Naturally, today's performance is greeted with a look of excruciating boredom from the receptionist of one Willis Green, DDS, who may or may not soon be incorporated into the Lockhorns pantheon of ancillary characters, alongside the likes of D. Pullman and H. Blog.

Everybody's Somebody's Fool

2010-06-15T06:49:00.003-04:00

D. Pullman, Marriage Counselor, as usual has his hands full. Leroy and Loretta have become embroiled in yet another argument. They both fume with anger as Pullman, once again, is completely at a loss as to what to do. The argument centers on Leroy's hilarious choice for the couple's "song," a choice which, at least from his perspective, is spot on. Why, it's bad enough just forking over $175 an hour just to hear Loretta complain nonstop to this ineffectual putz of a marriage counselor.

Loathing In Levittown

2010-06-14T05:45:00.003-04:00

Loretta, as usual, is angry at Leroy. Her response is to give him the cold shoulder while leaving snide little reminders around the house to indicate her ire. The best way to get under Leroy's skin is to remind him of the very words he no doubt most deeply regrets ever having uttered, and she knows it.

The Sharper The Wit

2010-06-13T08:34:00.005-04:00

I like Panel One, upper left. Loretta is expecting way too much, as any Lockhorns aficionado will tell you.

Panel Two, lower left, is dominated by the Lockhorns' infamous tall boy desk, that symbol of their messy financial state. In a depressed state, Loretta invokes that timeless sitcom, Gilligan's Island.

In Center Panel, an act of chivalry between a young couple prompts Loretta to regale her neighbor with some well-timed self-deprecating humor.

Today's selection of panels is excellent, but if I had to choose one, I guess I'd go with Panel Four, upper right. In spite of having insulted Loretta's horrendous cooking thousands of times by now, Leroy always manages to come up with a new clever twist.

I wouldn't peg Leroy for a woman hater at all. He just plain hates everybody. Thus, I think he was not disparaging women drivers, but instead Loretta in particular. And why not? She's only totaled hundreds of automobiles! Regardless, the woman neighbor seems to appreciate Loretta's remark. She's one the few neighbors over the years who hasn't greeted a remark from either Lockhorn with the same painfully bored expression her husband wears.

Proverbs 16:18

2010-06-12T08:13:00.004-04:00

Oops. Loretta forgot to insult Leroy yesterday about his paycheck. She makes up for it today by killing two birds with one stone, insulting both his paycheck and his angling prowess with a single contemptuous barb. Leroy has nobody but himself to blame, giving Loretta the perfect opportunity to spew her venom the instant she opens the door to greet him. What the hell did he expect, with that ridiculous display of pride over his catch the size of a minnow?

Connect This

2010-06-11T07:47:00.002-04:00

Facebook has been around for less than a decade. It needs pioneers. Enter Leroy. The man is already a legend in his Levittown neighborhood. His irascibility and antagonism toward his neighbors is the stuff of lore. Rude comments, shouting matches, and even fisticuffs are not outside his realm. An electronic medium may be just what he needs to ensure that his legacy become everlasting.

You Don't Say

2010-06-10T09:28:00.002-04:00

Loretta says she wouldn't say it. Then, after a brief pause, she says it anyway, after which she reiterates immediately that she wouldn't say it. Notwithstanding she's a fine one to comment on Leroy's weight, Loretta employs her peculiar brand of logic to insult Leroy in such a way as to confuse him into thinking about it for the rest of the day, thus providing the insult with great staying power.

It Wasn't My Fault, San Andreas

2010-06-09T07:24:00.003-04:00

When it comes to experience in refereeing fights, Arthur Mercante Sr. would have to take a back seat to D. Pullman Marriage Counselor, given the countless bouts of spiteful bickering between Leroy and Loretta that Pullman has endured. Not that he's complaining, given that he's endured it all to the melodious tune of $175 an hour. This bearded Solomon sits pensively as he peers at Leroy though his pince-nez spectacles, most likely in contempt, as Leroy's weak jab at Loretta, relying solely on the humorless premise that fault has two meanings, falls short. We can see Loretta primed to counterattack, and she'll no doubt take Round 7 on points.

Ars Poetica

2010-06-08T08:06:00.003-04:00

Loretta, the sage housewife of the Levittown plains, receives many visitors, every one of whom she will lead, nonchalantly, by Leroy's vicinity so that she might deliver a one-liner, always an insult directed toward Leroy which involves wordplay on an idiom, to an audience, invariably unimpressed, of one. Even though Loretta delivers her mot du jour in perfect rhyme, the neighbor's bored expression indicates that this new twist won't make a difference, especially after witnessing perhaps hundreds of such performances. Loretta's wit is again wasted, forever lost in the wilderness of space and time, and deservedly so, much like this blog.

Corruptisima Re Publica Plurimae Leges

2010-06-07T08:23:00.004-04:00

Loretta is the embodying spirit of every negative stereotype pertaining to the American housewife imaginable. Today she adds to the list an incredible naivety. I have a hard time believing she can be that dumb, given all the cleverly plotted abuse, verbal and otherwise, she has directed toward Leroy for years. Then again, as she's never worked, she very well may be ignorant of the ways of bill collectors, which could, at least partially, explain her ridiculously compulsive shopping habits. But if this be the case, why has it taken Leroy so long to notice?

Why, I'm Thirty-nine!

2010-06-06T06:58:00.003-04:00

Let us revel. Today's Lockhorns Sunday comics cornucopia begins in Panel One, top left, where Leroy is busy at his trusted iMac, apparently using Google to settle a bet with his neighbor, which is plausible, given Leroy's argumentative nature. Since Loretta embodies every negative stereotype regarding American housewives ever conceived, it's not surprising to learn that vanity toward her age is one of them.

Panel Two, lower left, presents a striking scene that makes me wish that View-Master were still around, and that The Lockhorns were on it. Leroy and Loretta, pillars of Levittown society, attend yet another wedding. Usually Leroy waits until after the ceremony to speak his well known views on marriage, roughly comparing it to a life sentence in prison, or worse. This time he draws the ire of his neighbors by using the ceremony itself as a forum for expounding his philosophy. Loretta, thoroughly embarrassed, tries to save face by admonishing her husband in public.

In Center Panel, we have yet another neighbor paying a social call to Loretta, who nonchalantly saunters by the fireplace, where a shoe on a plaque is proudly displayed on the wall overhead. Naturally, the neighbor becomes inquisitive over such an unusual trophy. Loretta is ready with her clever one-liner about Leroy's ineptitude at angling.

We have parking lot hi-jinx in Panel Four, top right, as Leroy was forced to squeeze into a parking spot only an inch wider than his car, thus foisting upon himself and Loretta the ignominy of using the sunroof as a means of egress. For Leroy, the ordeal is more than worth the effort, just to see Loretta become irritated.

We end with Panel Five, lower right, where the Lockhorns find themselves in a familiar setting, a Levittown cocktail party. Leroy's favorite activity at these affairs is getting inebriated and dancing with one of the many unnaturally towering and tiny-waisted women who always show up as guests. This inevitably provides fodder for Loretta to deliver one of her famous one-liners regarding Leroy's outlandishness to anybody who will listen. The only problem is, her comment doesn't make sense, since crazy is an adjective, and besides, wouldn't Leroy bat third?

Outlaws Are Wanted!

2010-06-05T08:38:00.002-04:00

Somehow, Leroy was able to swing for a reasonably priced low season vacation package for two at Punta Cana. Vacation or not, he must still contend with Loretta's constant nettlesome presence. She has him writing post cards to her insane mother, a living relic of the Victorian Age. This prompts Leroy to speak the simple truth, baldly and directly, with no adages, cliches, or puns thrown in, thereby producing perhaps the greatest mother-in-law gag ever seen in print.

Come To Me, My Macrocephalic Baby

2010-06-04T09:59:00.003-04:00

Loretta's head has grown in size to exceed that of her body. It dominates today's panel, encompassing all of its center. The woman on the couch is mesmerized by this freak phenomenon. What has caused Loretta's head to swell to such gigantic proportions? That's easy: after decades of trying, she's finally succeeded in breaking Leroy's spirit. As Leroy's mien in the background confirms, countless years of Loretta's nagging have reduced him to a lifeless mope, forever lost in a daze of anguishing ennui and despair.

Leroy Fumbles The Ball

2010-06-03T07:06:00.004-04:00

Presumably Dr. H. Blog M.D. is Leroy's primary care physician in Leroy's HMO. Thus Leroy, ever irascible, may be taking a well-aimed potshot at the doctor. With Loretta standing right there, he has blown a golden opportunity to say, "My headaches started when I got married." How often does a chance like that pop up?

After Bad What?

2010-06-02T06:47:00.003-04:00

Again we see Leroy managing his finances on a table, and not at the infamous tall boy desk. This gives Loretta more space, and a better vantage point from which to kibbutz. As she belongs to the same gym as Leroy, may we assume she did not renew her membership? Otherwise, she loses credibility, since she's just as guilty as Leroy at today's scintillating idiom, throwing good money after bad.

Loretta's Version Of The Bataan Death March

2010-06-01T09:50:00.003-04:00

The neighbors, you may have noticed, seem to pop in to visit the Lockhorns with unnaturally high frequency. It's always the same. The neighbor looks on with an air of bored indifference as one Lockhorns spouse insults the other, always with a well-timed one-liner delivered to the neighbor comprising an audience of one. Today's audience is especially tough. The bald guy seems thoroughly unimpressed by Leroy's brilliant metaphor about Loretta's dreadful cooking. It is apparent the palates of Levittown are refined to the point where only the purest levels of vicious spite and acerbic loathing will suffice as entertainment.

Google This

2010-05-31T10:29:00.005-04:00

Even Loretta can sympathize with Leroy, as she glumly tells the reason for his sadness to her neighbor, who resembles an anthropologist observing her subject. If only Leroy knew of his fame outside the wretched universe in which he lives! In his own world a nondescript schlep, he has no way of knowing about all the wonderful, provocative hits we get when those of us in the real world google "Leroy Lockhorn," thus providing ourselves with hours of intense surfing pleasure.

Driv Thru

2010-05-30T07:58:00.003-04:00

Lockhorns Sunday kicks off with the revelation that Leroy keeps a podium in the house. It's handy for occasions when Leroy wishes to engage in diversions, such as bowling, that will provide him with much-needed relief from Loretta's constant annoying presence. All it takes is some bombastic oratory, accentuated by fist-pounding and sprinkled with quotes from the Declaration of Independence.

Leroy complains in Panel Two about the poor quality of programming available on TV, but he may just be tacitly insulting Loretta at the same time.

As Loretta's world revolves completely around shopping, it is inevitable that she compare Leroy's penchant for Jack-In-The-Box Drive-Thru to window shopping. However, the real issue here is, when did the Lockhorns get the snazzy convertible? And how about the neighbor in the back seat? Did Loretta invite her along? "Say, we're going out for Jack-In-The-Box, wanna come?" Who could resist?

For all their mutual spite and loathing, the Lockhorns do spend a lot of time together engaged in their favorite sport, fishing. It is an activity that each of them clearly detests, so that each may derive some pleasure from the other's misery.

We finish with a standard battle-of-the-sexes gag, where Leroy, having no idea what to buy for Loretta, complains to the nearest available shopper, and even manages to work in his interpretation of Freudian psychology.

Sometimes Lifetime Isn't Fair

2010-05-29T07:29:00.002-04:00

Leroy's arms barely reach beyond his eyes, but this doesn't stop him from celebrating wildly as the hockey game he's been watching has gone into overtime. Since his beloved Islanders didn't even make the playoffs, he cares naught who wins the game. His pleasure derives solely from Loretta's chagrin at having to sit through more sports on TV instead of getting to watch some Lifetime, and her whining only accentuates it.

Ofaycation

2010-05-28T08:30:00.003-04:00

The prospect of being cooped up in the house with Leroy has Loretta frantically taping pictures of famous landmarks onto the living room walls as a means of escape. If Leroy and Loretta get on each other's nerves too much, the Lockhorns may well end up on a slaycation. Clearly, they're better off with a naycation, which is no vacation at all, but the very least they could consider alternatives, such as a haycation (a drive to rural Upstate New York), or a raycation (renting a pair of sunlamps). The possibilities are endless.

Some Things You Cannot Hide

2010-05-27T06:44:00.002-04:00

The current story line in Mary Worth is about a woman whose compulsive shopping habits have rendered her life out of control. There can be no doubt that the authors of this beloved serial comic strip have pored over decades of Lockhorns cartoons as part of their research into this psychological phenomenon, as Loretta remains to this day the best known literary figure among the world's compulsive shoppers. The most startling aspect of Loretta's affliction is the gloating expression she wears on her face as she returns home with yet more armloads of unnecessary and expensive purchases. She absolutely beams with pride, basking in the purely spiteful pleasure of having run Leroy's credit card debts even higher. Leroy can do no more than take advantage of having been casually standing by the front door with his neighbor as Loretta made her entrance, so as to deliver a one-liner in front of an audience. It remains a mystery as to why Loretta's father ever married a woman who dresses up like Queen Victoria.

Alterius Non Sit, Qui Potest Esse Sui

2010-05-26T09:43:00.003-04:00

A greeting card display case grandly supplies the scenery for today's panel. It is clear that Leroy is the intended recipient of Loretta's get-well card, as she explains its purpose to the saleswoman, that being to taunt and nag him as he recuperates from the latest self-inflicted injury incurred while attempting to do handy work around the house. The alarming frequency of this phenomenon, along with Loretta's slyly cool demeanor, suggest perhaps that Leroy's demise may not have occurred entirely by accident.

Life's Simplest Pleasures Are The Best

2010-05-25T08:14:00.003-04:00

Leroy lumbers about the house, disheveled, unshaven, and unkempt. He baldly scratches himself, as his dolorous eyes scan The Racing Form for more losing horses. He's well beyond caring about his appearance, his demeanor, or, from the looks of things, his hygiene. Loretta, thoroughly embarrassed in front of her neighbor, saves face by declaring openly her venomous disgust for Leroy, deeming him unfit as human chattel. The neighbor steals the scene with her defensive posture, coiling back into the couch as far as possible from Loretta, her hands firmly gripping the couch cushions and her eyes narrowed in icy cool alertness, as she anticipates Loretta's next move as one would a cobra's.

Delightfully Tacky Yet Unrefined

2010-05-24T07:58:00.002-04:00

Scooters, not at all to be confused with Hooters, is that well known chain of restaurants famous for its waitresses, who just happen to be Leroy's preferred type of woman, approximately seven and a half feet tall (five of which comprise the legs), with twelve inch waists, and with breasts comparable to Chesty Morgan's. Leroy's passing comment is clearly meant to taunt Loretta, whose bodily dimensions exactly mirror Leroy's. Come to think of it, she can't cook, either. This could get ugly.

Impressionists Are Impressionable

2010-05-23T09:55:00.005-04:00

Today's Sunday Lockhorns is outstanding. We have Leroy in the hospital, an appointment with D. Pullman, Leroy in an art gallery, Loretta's dieting fiascos, and Leroy's bimbo-ogling, all in one glorious set of panels. These are five acute specimens from the pantheon of beloved Lockhorns gags, and we should take the time to be appreciative.

Leroy, the patron saint of inept handymen, is in the hospital again. His broken right foot, in traction, is counterbalanced by a pulley operated by his injured right hand; this may be intended as a strengthening exercise. It appears he's sustained a concussion as well, and further bandages and body scars suggest that Leroy took a terrible fall and he's lucky to have survived. Loretta long ago was inured to such spectacles, over thousands of such hospital visits throughout her marriage. By now, her visitation routine consists of a deadpan delivery of a caustic one-liner by which to ridicule Leroy and his predicament.

D. Pullman, Marriage Counselor, has his hands full with Loretta, who once again insists on monopolizing the session. Between this, and the $175 per hour he shells out for these sessions, Leroy has plenty to fume about.

Loretta fancies herself cultured and refined, and often drags Leroy against his will to artistic venues, such as today's art gallery, where Leroy takes a poke at Loretta's pretentiousness by hilariously mixing a cliche with an art genre.

Leroy tells it like it is as he exits the Golden Dolphin with poor Loretta, forever caught in the morass of poor body image as she perpetually frets about, and cheats on, her myriad of self-imposed diets.

At a social gathering, Leroy partakes in his usual habit, gawking wistfully at a towering, and incredibly well-endowed, bimbo. In response, Loretta makes a puzzling remark to her bored neighbor. Not entertaining thoughts would seem to imply an inability to think, but then how can Leroy be entertained by thoughts when he cannot think in the first place?

Painted Into A Corner

2010-05-22T08:02:00.002-04:00

It appears Loretta knows a dark secret of the hardware store clerk, and is blackmailing him into helping her to embarrass Leroy in Public. She should be careful. Continually pointing out Leroy's bad taste will lead people to think it pertains to his taste in spouses as well.

Boy, You Gotta Carry That Weight

2010-05-21T09:36:00.002-04:00

In spite of his ongoing battles with the bathroom scale, Leroy cannot resist the temptation of a handy box of doughnuts. Loretta, herself immersed in perpetual self-loathing over her body image, takes offense at Leroy's transgression. Either that, or she fears that the appetite-suppressing qualities of the doughnuts will deny her the pleasure of torturing Leroy with her horrible cooking that evening.

Absque Argento Omnia Vana

2010-05-20T08:04:00.003-04:00

Loretta can't wait to see the look on Leroy's face when he learns that his credit card limit has been exceeded. It's too bad the clerk and the neighbor do not share in the obvious pleasure Loretta feels whenever she tortures Leroy by running up his debts.

Men Are From Hempstead, Women Are From Mineola

2010-05-19T07:50:00.003-04:00

We're all familiar with the stereotype of the wife remembering every damn thing her husband has ever said, but perhaps it's inaccurate. Whatever the case, Loretta's taking no chances, as Leroy explains in his trademark deadpan delivery to his neighbor, who is clearly ill at ease at witnessing further examples of the obsessive spite that dominates the couple's relationship. It's reasonable to assume that Leroy's faults are not a matter of public record, and thus we may conclude Loretta builds her "scrapbook" with hand written notes in which she criticizes her husband, thereby raising the art of nagging beyond pathological levels.

Help! I'm Being Held Prisoner In A Chinese Embassy!

2010-05-18T08:40:00.002-04:00

Today we see a new twist on an old gag, popular many years ago, when an unsuspecting patron would open a fortune cookie to read, "Help! I'm being held prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory!" Perhaps The Lockhorns is commenting in a sly way on the new wave of paranoia sweeping America in the midst of these stark economic times. It's surprising to learn that embassies now have the power to arrest and detain citizens of their host country, and even set bail. What happens if Leroy and Loretta jump bail? Will the embassy police send a special unit to Levittown?

The Twenty-first Century Nag

2010-05-17T08:35:00.003-04:00

Loretta, having been force fed by the media the notion that spouses must always ask the question "How was your day?", demands that Leroy do the same. Meanwhile, Leroy deeply regrets having opened a twitter account, as it has enabled Loretta to annoy him constantly, even when he's at work. We have the recipe for a pleasant evening of bickering.

The Summoning Of Everyman

2010-05-16T10:02:00.004-04:00

Loretta, as insecure a social climber as ever there was, drags Leroy against his will to the ballet. Leroy will return the favor by poking at her ridiculous grandiosity all evening long with the down home earthly sarcasm of the common man.

As we never get to hear Leroy's political rantings and ravings, it's impossible to tell where he stands in the political spectrum, although his nihilistic tendencies would seem to point toward some form of libertarianism. Loretta is quick to seize the opportunity to provide a quip, of which Grin and Bear It would be proud, to her audience of a sole unfortunate visiting neighbor.

We're spared the unsettling spectacle of Loretta's strangely anachronistic mother, but Leroy won't be so lucky, as he invokes Greek mythology to describe aptly his impending fate.

Even the serene pastime of angling cannot provide Leroy respite from Loretta's constant irksome presence. His resigned expression tells all, as Loretta spends the day complaining.

At some sort of social gathering, Loretta's interlocutor steals the show. She is hunched over from bearing the weight of Loretta's incessant prattling, pounding her on all sides. Her eyes are glazed over in a combination of stifling boredom and the uneasy terror of being hopelessly trapped in the turgid flow of Loretta's logorrhea. As is gleaned from Leroy's comment, Loretta presently is pontificating on her favorite topic of monologue, Leroy himself.

Better Late Than Early

2010-05-15T07:58:00.003-04:00

Abstraction abounds as we see Levittown's latest soiree taking place in midair. The Lockhorns have arrived late. Leroy apologizes, and promptly blames Loretta, for their tardiness. Leroy and the host clearly are not thrilled to see each other, so it's likely they're late by Leroy's own design. Understandably, Loretta resents being made a scapegoat in what's shaping up to be a tense and awkward evening for all involved.

I, Robot

2010-05-14T06:38:00.002-04:00

The Lockhorns, although living dangerously on credit, have splurged and gotten themselves a robot vacuum cleaner. If Loretta foresaw freedom from the toils of vacuuming the rugs, she was mistaken. It turns out that Leroy, inept as he is with desktop computers, is an electronics genius when it comes to these futuristic gadgets, as he's programmed the thing to serve him his favorite generic brand of beer at his beck and call. Leroy's obvious satisfaction contrasts sharply with Loretta's disappointment at being denied the extra time she so eagerly anticipated in which to hone further her already formidable skills at gossiping and irresponsible binge shopping.

Travel Narrows The Mind

2010-05-13T07:14:00.003-04:00

Leroy and Loretta like to get away as often as their limited budget allows. Separate vacations, while ideal, are unaffordable. Most of the time, they have to settle for a day's drive to White Plains or Port Jefferson. On occasion, however, they do get to fly. Leroy always expects, and invariably receives, the worst on such ventures, be it mistreatment by the airlines, lousy weather, or Loretta's constant presence. Hence his sole concern with expenses is not surprising in the least.

Bad Day At Black Rock

2010-05-12T07:34:00.002-04:00

While hunched over from a severe bout with depression, Loretta figures things cannot get any worse. Thus she drags herself to the bathroom to face her nemesis, the scale, whose cold cruel numbers cannot lie. Leroy is having a bad day himself, otherwise he would enjoy the respite from Loretta's nagging by relaxing in peace instead of standing there in a heavy-lidded stupor.

Where's Rachael Ray When You Need Her?

2010-05-11T08:37:00.002-04:00

Leroy musters great courage merely to make the gesture of raising his fork to Loretta's latest culinary abomination. She threw a whole crab along with some batter into a deep fryer filled with Crisco, set it to 450 degrees Fahrenheit, and half an hour later she called it crab cake. Its stench alone is horrifying, let alone its appearance. An enormous crab claw points ominously at Leroy, who is chilled beyond words despite his years spent enduring Loretta's awful cooking. Unable even to conjure up a clever insult, he can only offer a feeble inquiry into Loretta's recipe.

Cable Company Executives, Take Note

2010-05-10T06:17:00.003-04:00

Leroy, the Duke Kahanamoku of channel surfing, cannot get a moment's respite from Loretta's incessant nagging. His ire and impatience grow as Loretta hovers nearby, harping on him over trite, petty matters. He wishes Loretta's metaphor (which itself is based on a metaphor) were literally true, but alas, despite roaming through hundreds of cable channels, he finds no escape.

Nil Sine Magno Labore Vita Dedit Mortalibus

2010-05-09T08:48:00.006-04:00

Sixty-three months sounds better than 5.25 years. Master wordsmith Loretta knows how to drag up the past with elan. Leroy sits silently, musing his marriage to a lunatic.

The thought of Loretta in a bikini has spurred Leroy immediately into action. The only chance he stands of getting the point across to her is by using a cleverly reworded proverb.

As Leroy contemplates his vehicle's engine, Loretta saunters by and offers unsolicited a scathing barb pointed at Leroy's incompetence.

A vase of flowers teeters hilariously in mid air, above the spinet piano pawed at furiously by Loretta, as she lambastes Leroy and guests with shrieking caterwauling of the highest order. Leroy by now is inured to Loretta's pathological delusions of grandeur.

Another swinging Levittown cocktail bash is underway, but Loretta has been deprived the pleasure of getting to nag and insult Leroy publicly throughout the entire evening. Nevertheless she makes the most of it by announcing loudly to her hosts her contribution to the night's festivities, namely the absence of her disagreeable, heavy drinking, bimbo-ogling spouse. She scores double, by getting in the neighbors' good graces, and by insulting Leroy in absentia.

Where's Omar Sharif When You Need Him?

2010-05-08T05:59:00.004-04:00

The Lockhorns and their neighbors, encumbered by a stifling aura of despair and ennui, participate in a bridge game. It's clear that Leroy has had quite enough. Whether or not Loretta actually kicked him is irrelevant, as Leroy feigns ignorance of bridge etiquette as a means of escape. He brilliantly shifts the blame for his ploy entirely on Loretta by suggesting either that leaving was her idea or that she's a cheat.

Where's Ralph Kiner When You Need Him?

2010-05-07T06:48:00.003-04:00

Today's scene is fairly standard and nondescript, as the Lockhorns socialize at a cocktail party. As usual, Leroy pontificates while Loretta utters insults about him to her nearest available neighbor.

You Seep What You Row

2010-05-06T09:22:00.004-04:00

Loretta gets emotionally involved while watching That Big Network TV Show With One Of Those Blonde Actresses. Johnny-on-the-spot Leroy nefariously plants a seed of jealousy by implying that the actress can afford many more shopping binges than Loretta ever could; this very act probably explains why Leroy took the trouble to know the exact figure. If Leroy succeeds in spoiling Loretta's evening, he'll pay dearly for it Friday night when Loretta humiliates him over the size of his paycheck.

All's Well That Ends

2010-05-05T06:25:00.002-04:00

Loretta can spend days at a time speaking entirely in proverbs which she alters to suit any occasion. In this particular case, an impatient Leroy honks his horn for Loretta to get into the car, although she stands no more than six feet away from him. This hilarious gesture mocks Loretta's propensity to engage endlessly in idle chatter and gossip with her neighbors, thus compelling Loretta to respond in kind with a proverb. Take that, Leroy!

Qui Multum Habet, Plus Cupit

2010-05-04T08:07:00.004-04:00

Loretta's shopping addiction has a sinister double edge. On the one hand, her shopping frenzies at Bloomingdale's, whereupon she accumulates tons of womens clothing and accessories she'll never need, can fill only temporarily the sad void in her life. On the other hand, just when that high is about to wear off, she experiences the thrill and pleasure, acutely depicted by her smugly victorious grin, of upsetting Leroy by flaunting her having run his enormous debts even higher.

Mors Certa, Vita Incerta

2010-05-03T06:02:00.002-04:00

It's Loretta's turn at the tall boy desk, as the nearby overflowing wastebasket serves as testament to her futility in trying to manage the household finances. Exasperated, she resorts to her only true talent, word play affected by ascribing literal qualities to idiomatic expressions. Who knew Easy Street had so many potholes?

Imperare Sibi Maximum Imperium Est

2010-05-02T08:47:00.003-04:00

It's Lockhorns Sunday, and Panel One sees our favorite couple out on the links, where Leroy's anachronistic golfing attire fails to impress fashion maven Loretta.

Panel Two has Leroy scoping out another towering bimbo, this one a well-stacked brunette, at one of Levittown's famous cocktail parties. Loretta has plenty of one-liners stored for such occasions, and she does not hesitate trying one of them out on her neighbor.

An airline luggage joke forms the basis of Center Panel. The sardonic placard Loretta holds in her hand dominates the scene, having grown to four times the size of the envelope it arrived in. Leroy plays the perfect second banana by standing there motionless in a heavy-lidded stupor of despair.

Panel Four raises the question of whether or not the latest hapless dinner guest of the Lockhorns actually mustered the courage to ask, "What is this?" Whatever the case, Leroy's comment cuts deeper into Loretta's psyche than the sharpest steak knife ever could cut into her cooking.

In China, it is said that catastrophe brings opportunity. In Panel Five, the misfortune of running out of gas gives Leroy the opportunity to insult Loretta by implying that there was a time when he once enjoyed the company of women he deemed desirable to be stranded with.

I Bet On A Great Horse; It Took Seven Horses To Beat Him.

2010-05-01T07:19:00.004-04:00

The day of the 136th running of the Kentucky Derby is commemorated by the laziest depiction of Belmont Park ever seen in the comics. Leroy, schlep for the ages, cannot pick a winner in any facet of his life, let alone the fourth race. The irony is lost on Loretta, as she mocks Leroy with some wordplay on a cliche, her specialty.

Surrealist Theater In The American Culture

2010-04-30T07:06:00.004-04:00

The conveniently placed sign on the garage sets the stage for Leroy to finagle free lawn care from an unsuspecting neighbor who is one of the most strangely drawn characters yet in this strip. In spite of all this action going on, our attention is drawn to the background where Loretta stands transfixed in a vacant wide-eyed stare, looking for all the world as though she is one of the articles for sale.

Where Have You Gone, Mary Shelley?

2010-04-29T07:54:00.002-04:00

In the minimalist tradition of The Lockhorns, readers are often challenged to use their imaginations. Here, we are shown two plates of what looks like sand, stage props, as it were, to represent Loretta's culinary atrocities, the gruesome quality of which is impossible to capture with pen and ink. Thus the table is set (literally!) for Leroy's clever insult, which achieves its purpose as evidenced by Loretta's expression of ire.

Contra Vim Mortis Non Est Medicamen In Hortis

2010-04-28T06:15:00.002-04:00

Leroy seems absolutely miserable at having been dragged along on one of Loretta's frequent shopping binges. He stands morosely looking at his watch, hoping against hope for the time in his torturous ordeal to pass, as Loretta and her acquaintance stop in front of a modestly named shoe store. Loretta takes the opportunity to brag about being one of the few people who actually know who Manolo Blahnik is, while at the same time condemning Leroy for his ignorance of the fashion world and his dreadfully pedestrian tastes for such banal diversions as "baseball."

Quid Me Nutrit, Me Destruit

2010-04-27T06:37:00.002-04:00

The Lockhorns for the time being have forgone their tallboy desk, opting instead to use the dining room table to figure out their impossibly dire finances so that they may work in tandem instead of one at a time. At least this way they can regale each other with clever one-liners in an attempt to provide solace from, or perhaps meaning to, the precarious set of circumstances they now face. They've been at it for some time now, as Leroy resorts to citing a tired old slogan, but even so, he remains as effective as ever by conjuring up in his trademark deadpan style the image of the Lockhorns living on the streets in a cardboard box.

Non Ut Edam Vivo, Sed Ut Vivam Edo

2010-04-26T06:10:00.003-04:00

I can believe that hospital food identification is part of the curriculum in medical school, as the doctor seems to suggest. What's hard to believe is that Leroy would complain about hospital food, given Loretta's woeful lack of culinary skills. Then again, Leroy spends so much time in the hospital, it's possible he may have gotten spoiled.

Audi, Vide, Tace, Si Tu Vis Vivere In Pace

2010-04-25T07:45:00.004-04:00

It's Lockhorns Sunday, and Loretta kicks things off in Panel One with another rousing one-liner designed to extort more cash from Leroy. Her veiled threat to max out Leroy's credit cards won't go unnoticed.

Leroy dominates Panel Two with his exaggerated theatrical pose in spite of Loretta's well timed one-liner to her neighbor. It is obvious that Leroy merely feigns his hardness of hearing, as any sane person would do under his circumstances. Then again, would a sane man acquire those circumstances?

In Center Panel, the recurring character of the seven foot tall bimbo makes an appearance, this time in the guise of brunette cheerleader. There can only be one way to explain how Leroy could induce an adult woman in a cheerleader's outfit to accompany him home, and Loretta's crestfallen expression suggests she has figured it out.

Panel Four brings us to another dreary evening for the Lockhorns in front of the TV. So depressed is Loretta over her disappointment in the evening's proceedings, she hasn't even the energy to initiate a scathing round of gossip over the telephone. Helen, no doubt, will be disappointed as well.

The Lockhorns have managed to get away in Panel Five. As Leroy unpacks his suitcase, he begins to enjoy his vacation by lamenting his fading memory.

A Posse Ad Esse Non Valet Consequentia

2010-04-24T09:13:00.002-04:00

Things are really hopping in Levittown, as Leroy, revelling in alcoholic euphoria, livens up yet another cocktail party by dancing wildly with an extremely tall, fashionable young woman whose hourglass proportions compare to those of a Barbie Doll, except for a pleasingly fuller bottom. For the sake of brevity, such recurring characters in this blog have been referred to in the vernacular as bimbos, a term which, whether deemed offensive or not, accurately reflects the minimalist and abstract spirit of The Lockhorns. The highlight of today's scene has to be Leroy's expression, from his curiously vacant wide-eyed stare to his gaping mouth with tongue dangling out the side. Loretta obliges this spectacle by flipping to her neighbor a tastefully understated one-liner in which she demonstrates her mastery at wordplay.

Where Have You Gone, Sonja De Lennart?

2010-04-23T06:47:00.002-04:00

Loretta wistfully eyes a poster advertising what are known in certain parts of the world as clamdiggers, probably after watching old reruns of the Dick Van Dyke Show with Leroy last night. Leroy must have stayed up too late watching TV, as his obligatory insult is worded awkwardly, but he still manages to drive the point home.

Video Meliora Proboque Deteriora Sequor

2010-04-22T08:33:00.003-04:00

Among the literally thousands of neighbors seen in The Lockhorns over the years, Loretta's interlocutor bears the sole distinction of not seeming deathly bored. Why is that? Has Loretta come up with a clever self deprecating gag? Or does she speak the actual truth, whereupon the neighbor gleefully confirms her suspicions that Loretta is insane?

The Great Stone Face

2010-04-21T06:48:00.002-04:00

Staid marriage counselor Pullman charges $175 an hour, yet shows no compunction in devising the corny and unscientific "trust fall" exercise for his steadiest clients. Who can blame Leroy for mocking this useless exercise, and so brilliantly? It's only too bad Loretta and Pullman cannot appreciate one of the better performances from the master of deadpan.

Ars Est Celare Artem

2010-04-20T06:24:00.003-04:00

For the time being, all the Lockhorns can afford to do is mope around the house in severely depressed states. This works perfectly for Leroy's strategy, as he deftly thwarts Loretta's plan to drag him along to some dreadfully boring play, concert, or art gallery showing, in her incessant desire to convince the world of her refined cultural palate.

Absint Offensae, Cum Fit Celebratio Mensae

2010-04-19T06:27:00.004-04:00

Leroy's workshop is immaculate, and we can see why. Procrastinators everywhere can identify with Leroy, although it may take a while. Meanwhile Loretta, arms akimbo, strikes a hilariously affected pose, befitting perfectly her taunt at Leroy.

Ab Obice Saevior Ibit

2010-04-18T07:17:00.003-04:00

Lockhorns Sunday begins.

In Panel One, we see a recurring character type, the seven foot tall bimbo, who may assume any of several appearances, at a Levittown cocktail party, with whom Leroy, as usual, has struck up a conversation. Loretta, as usual, interrupts the proceedings with a caustically witty barb while balancing two spanish olives on a plate.

As acrimonious as their marriage has been, the Lockhorns are fond of displaying photos which depict themselves as a happy couple, as Loretta shows one off to her neighbor in Panel Two. Through the neighbor's morose demeanor, it is apparent that she fully well knows that severe retouching is required to render any sort of happy expressions on the subjectc' faces, let alone Leroy's ridiculously toothy grin.

In Center Panel, Loretta smartly uses housework as a means of extorting more money from Leroy.

As a rule, Leroy usually ignores Loretta's incessant nagging. The exception is when she nags him while he drives, as in Panel Four. In cases as these, Leroy is always quick to reply.

It's a wonder why Leroy doesn't chat about sports with his neighbors more often, as seen in Panel Five. Judging by the neighbor's uncomfortable expression, Leroy probably has trouble finding men willing to pop over for a visit.

I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud

2010-04-17T07:51:00.003-04:00

Loretta has assembled her neighbors and is showing off her brooch, for the sole intention of insulting Leroy over his cheapness. Unfortunately, she didn't make the effort to ensure Leroy was there to hear the insult. Nonetheless, she speaks the truth, since anything Leroy manages to purchase amidst her habitual shopping frenzies is rare indeed.

House Shoes

2010-04-16T06:23:00.002-04:00

Loretta's musical tastes run no further than her usual piano repertoire, brought out whenever she begins her signature caterwauling at cocktail parties. Thus we can assume here that Loretta means slippers and not House Shoes the DJ. Leroy couldn't very well have used "slippers" and "slipping" in the same sentence, could he? The neighbor no doubt is entranced by Leroy's implied yet frank complaint of a sexless marriage.

The Straight Man

2010-04-15T08:41:00.003-04:00

The Lockhorns visit the IRS office in Garden City several times a year, so it's probably just a coincidence that they're there today, despite the obvious significance of the date. Leroy's financial problems seem to grow incessantly, and the myriad audits he must suffer at the hands of the IRS only compound his woes. Thus we have a circumstance where Leroy actually doesn't mind Loretta tagging along to provide much needed comic relief, so long as he tolerates her idea of comedy which consists solely of insults and ridicule directed at himself.

God Damn The Pusher Man

2010-04-14T06:18:00.003-04:00

It's too bad there are no neighbors around to witness Leroy's splendid performance. He has obviously caught Loretta completely off guard. Although Leroy has insulted her cooking thousands of times, Loretta has no reason to expect Leroy to do so immediately upon opening (and apparently hoisting) the front door. Could the seeds of novocaine dependence have been sown?

When He Sits Around The House . . .

2010-04-13T06:29:00.003-04:00

Loretta is faithful to her chores. One of her most important chores is parading a neighbor woman by Leroy, just to insult him in front of an audience. Her diligence and dedication are nothing short of remarkable, but she'd better step things up a bit, as it appears that Leroy is actually experiencing pleasure.

Do They Have A Layaway Plan For Divorce?

2010-04-12T06:17:00.003-04:00

Over the years, Leroy has innumerable times remarked about his regret at marrying Loretta, but always to a neighbor or passerby. Today he takes his complaint straight to the source.

Where Have You Gone, Orson Welles?

2010-04-11T09:28:00.004-04:00

Lockhorns Sunday commences.

Loretta in Panel One combines two of her greatest skills, sucking Leroy dry of his funds, and providing wry one-liners.

Leroy in Panel Two displays his greatest talent, insulting Loretta's cooking. This time, for the benefit of yet another hapless dinner guest, Leroy attains new heights by comparing the dining experience to the violent pain one could suffer while engaged in sadomasochistic sexual play.

Although Andy Warhol references have become cliched, Leroy nonetheless pulls one off brilliantly in Center Panel as Loretta bellows like a moose into the living room. Leroy's neighbor is enjoying his visit thoroughly.

In Panel Four, compulsive shopper Loretta finally has bought something practical, a TV remote with which she can engage Leroy in vicious duels nightly. Far from worried, Leroy is coolly poised for the challenge.

Loretta, appalled at Leroy's complete ineptitude at interior decorating, has decided to take matters directly to the government, demanding Leroy's constitutional right to be protected from himself. The clerk has decided that this is the day to request a transfer.

Where Have You Gone, Kurt Gödel?

2010-04-10T09:05:00.003-04:00

Leroy does his best to enliven a coffee klatsch with the neighbors by grabbing the seat directly by the liquor cabinet. Thus we learn that Loretta has a problem with admitting her age. Leroy applies reductio ad absurdum to prove that Loretta is not a number, if one accepts the premise that numbers don't lie.

Where's Ivan The Terrible When You Need Him?

2010-04-09T06:34:00.002-04:00

It's payday at the Lockhorns', and this can only mean that Leroy presents his paycheck at the front door, and then stands there fuming as Loretta insults him over his inability to earn a salary more to her liking. The frequency of this ritual necessitates Loretta's far flung attempts at keeping the insults fresh, while Leroy contemplates informing the Alcohol Czar about the matter.

The Gallows In My Garden

2010-04-08T07:49:00.002-04:00

When they aren't engaged in battle, Leroy and Loretta spend most of their time sitting around in the throes of depression and ennui. One reason for this is the meager offerings of entertainment on TV. Leroy's solemn despair makes using the remote control into a difficult chore. Loretta's inane prattling only adds to his woes, but we can understand her need to vent her frustrations.

Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

2010-04-07T06:25:00.002-04:00

It figures that harassing shoe salesmen is also on the list of Loretta's many annoying qualities. It also figures that Leroy cannot resist pointing this out to the nearest available bystander. What doesn't figure is Leroy's choice of pun: it's below his standard. Three hours in a shoe store (appropriately named, by the way) will do that to you.

Programming In A Multitasking Environment

2010-04-06T06:54:00.003-04:00

As acrimonious as their marriage has been, it is curious how both Leroy and Loretta enjoy showing off their wedding picture to their neighbors. Of course, the reason for this is it gives them an opportunity to come up with a quip about how big a mistake their marriage was. This is always done best with the other spouse within earshot, something Loretta has failed to ensure today since Leroy is nowhere to be seen. It's just as well, since her jocular remark about multi-tasking falls short of her usual standards.

Where Have You Gone, T. S. Eliot?

2010-04-05T06:38:00.003-04:00

Leroy is so depressed over doing his taxes, he can't even make it across the living room to the tall boy desk. Loretta joins in the misery as Leroy waxes poetic. At least she can cheer herself up with another jaunt to Bloomingdales. Leroy's only alternatives appear to be Arthur's Bar or Post Wine and Spirits.

Omnia Vincit Amor Et Nos Cedamus Amori

2010-04-04T11:01:00.004-04:00

Lockhorns Sunday. Let's present the fun panel by panel.

We begin with Panel One, where Leroy models a pair of trousers in a Long Island department store for Loretta's approval. Assuming the theatrical pose of an arbiter, Loretta seizes the opportunity to insult Leroy in public by implying he's a slob.

In Panel Two, Loretta brags to her neighbor about her psychological prowess in tricking Leroy into doing yard chores by appealing to his vanity.

Center Panel shows us the ridiculous proportions that Loretta's maniacal shopping frenzies have reached. No doubt, she's housebound after having totaled another automobile on her latest excursion to Bloomingdales, but this doesn't stop her from running up Leroy's credit card debts faster than Shopzilla.com can process them.

Panel Four, at first glance, seems ordinary, as Loretta avers her belief in the stereotype that wives spend their lifetimes in futile attempts to change their husbands. However, Leroy dominates the cartoon from backstage with his priceless facial expression in witnessing the young husband looking lovingly at his wife changing a diaper.

Leroy has his riposte in Panel Five. The cocktail party setting enables him to entertain a neighbor with his unique take on Virgil's famous saying. As with any famous saying, Leroy applies it to express the notion that marrying Loretta was a mistake, preferably within Loretta's earshot.

A River Runs Through It

2010-04-03T11:42:00.002-04:00

Things are in full swing at the latest Levittown cocktail bash. We see a neighbor woman hopelessly cornered into a conversation with Loretta, which in this case always means standing there as Loretta chatters incessantly and being utterly unable either to get a word in edgewise or to make a graceful exit. It is clear that the neighbor woman is contemplating the latter, to no avail, as Leroy chimes in with perhaps a word of sympathy for her. Leroy's haughty interlocutor, while disgusted by the spectacle, nonetheless counts his blessings that he not be subjected continually to such mindless prattle as is Leroy.

The Return Of The Scarsdale Diet

2010-04-02T10:19:00.002-04:00

Leroy and Loretta share the same poor self image as do millions of Americans, so why shouldn't they remind each other of their physical shortcomings at every possible opportunity, even if it's only an example of the pot calling the kettle black? Besides, Loretta's just warming up for tonight's cocktail party.

Whatever Happened To The Yugo?

2010-04-01T08:53:00.002-04:00

To Loretta, an automobile is merely a disposable conveyance for reaching the shopping malls in as little time as possible, obstacles and pedestrians be damned. Her haughty arrogance as she emerges from the disabled vehicle says it all. Leroy counters her icy heartlessness with a healthy dose of tearing sarcasm.

Where Have You Gone, Charles Dudley Warner?

2010-03-31T07:12:00.002-04:00

Or, as Groucho Marx once said, politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. In today's panel, we have the strangest bedfellows of them all. Even stranger than that, we see Leroy reading a book. Two things, however, are comfortably reassuring, Loretta performing word play on a well worn adage, and Leroy's scowl.

The Battle Of Wills

2010-03-30T07:32:00.002-04:00

We're back at the neighborhood jewelers, where the classic Lockhorns tug-of-war takes place between Loretta's ridiculously prodigal spending habits and Leroy's downright ornery cheapness. The clerk, clearly exasperated with the latter, replies with a well known supermarket mantra in an attempt to shame Leroy into buying at least the ring at which Loretta wantonly stares.

Women And Their Chocolate!

2010-03-29T07:02:00.004-04:00

I'm sure Levittown appreciates neighbors like Loretta. She has invited her friend over to enjoy the privilege of watching her stuff her face with chocolate. As she sits there cramming morsel after of morsel into her mouth, her cheeks distended, she manages somehow to prattle on and on despite an ocean of brown ooze clearly visible through her wide open mouth. The neighbor, adorned in red sweater and matching lipstick, no doubt is mesmerized by a profound sense of disbelief.

Where Have You Gone, Dorothy Kilgallen?

2010-03-28T07:43:00.003-04:00

Lockhorns Sunday begins in Panel One with a familiar theme, Leroy's ongoing battles with telephone solicitors. Panel Two takes us to the aptly named neighborhood gym where we learn that Loretta's poor self image began at birth when her weight was average. The tension heightens in Center Panel when Leroy, horribly disheveled after a restless night, stumbles into the view of Loretta's webcam. There's always plenty of tension at the Lockhorn dinner table, especially when a hapless guest joins in, as in Panel Four, where we see Leroy comparing Loretta's cooking to festering scab encrusted sores. Leroy ends the day on a strong note in Panel Five. Completely bored at a particularly dull cocktail party (no bimbos), Leroy waves a white flag in exasperation both as a signal to Loretta that it's time to leave, and, more importantly, as a signal to everybody else of his disapproval of the proceedings.

Bad News!

2010-03-27T07:46:00.002-04:00

Bad news has hit the Lockhorns' home. Even the most catastrophic events of dire urgency do no more than provide opportunities for Loretta to get in scathing insults at the expense of her husband. Meanwhile, Leroy always looks as if he has received bad news, a testament to his life.

Where's William Tecumseh Sherman When You Need Him?

2010-03-26T07:22:00.003-04:00

Leroy, with his years of experience, is always willing to give advice to younger men about the intricacies of marriage. Leroy's unique perspective on the matter enables him to articulate with myriad quips and bon mots the idea that marriage is hell. He especially enjoys this activity when Loretta is within earshot. Her devious grin indicates that she is about to return fire by imparting her wisdom, in the guise of insults directed at Leroy, to the young bride, who appears to walking towards the gallows in an apt display of symbolism.