I, Robot

The Lockhorns, although living dangerously on credit, have splurged and gotten themselves a robot vacuum cleaner. If Loretta foresaw freedom from the toils of vacuuming the rugs, she was mistaken. It turns out that Leroy, inept as he is with desktop computers, is an electronics genius when it comes to these futuristic gadgets, as he's programmed the thing to serve him his favorite generic brand of beer at his beck and call. Leroy's obvious satisfaction contrasts sharply with Loretta's disappointment at being denied the extra time she so eagerly anticipated in which to hone further her already formidable skills at gossiping and irresponsible binge shopping.

Travel Narrows The Mind

Leroy and Loretta like to get away as often as their limited budget allows. Separate vacations, while ideal, are unaffordable. Most of the time, they have to settle for a day's drive to White Plains or Port Jefferson. On occasion, however, they do get to fly. Leroy always expects, and invariably receives, the worst on such ventures, be it mistreatment by the airlines, lousy weather, or Loretta's constant presence. Hence his sole concern with expenses is not surprising in the least.

Bad Day At Black Rock

While hunched over from a severe bout with depression, Loretta figures things cannot get any worse. Thus she drags herself to the bathroom to face her nemesis, the scale, whose cold cruel numbers cannot lie. Leroy is having a bad day himself, otherwise he would enjoy the respite from Loretta's nagging by relaxing in peace instead of standing there in a heavy-lidded stupor.

Where's Rachael Ray When You Need Her?

Leroy musters great courage merely to make the gesture of raising his fork to Loretta's latest culinary abomination. She threw a whole crab along with some batter into a deep fryer filled with Crisco, set it to 450 degrees Fahrenheit, and half an hour later she called it crab cake. Its stench alone is horrifying, let alone its appearance. An enormous crab claw points ominously at Leroy, who is chilled beyond words despite his years spent enduring Loretta's awful cooking. Unable even to conjure up a clever insult, he can only offer a feeble inquiry into Loretta's recipe.

Cable Company Executives, Take Note

Leroy, the Duke Kahanamoku of channel surfing, cannot get a moment's respite from Loretta's incessant nagging. His ire and impatience grow as Loretta hovers nearby, harping on him over trite, petty matters. He wishes Loretta's metaphor (which itself is based on a metaphor) were literally true, but alas, despite roaming through hundreds of cable channels, he finds no escape.

Nil Sine Magno Labore Vita Dedit Mortalibus

Sixty-three months sounds better than 5.25 years. Master wordsmith Loretta knows how to drag up the past with elan. Leroy sits silently, musing his marriage to a lunatic.

The thought of Loretta in a bikini has spurred Leroy immediately into action. The only chance he stands of getting the point across to her is by using a cleverly reworded proverb.

As Leroy contemplates his vehicle's engine, Loretta saunters by and offers unsolicited a scathing barb pointed at Leroy's incompetence.

A vase of flowers teeters hilariously in mid air, above the spinet piano pawed at furiously by Loretta, as she lambastes Leroy and guests with shrieking caterwauling of the highest order. Leroy by now is inured to Loretta's pathological delusions of grandeur.

Another swinging Levittown cocktail bash is underway, but Loretta has been deprived the pleasure of getting to nag and insult Leroy publicly throughout the entire evening. Nevertheless she makes the most of it by announcing loudly to her hosts her contribution to the night's festivities, namely the absence of her disagreeable, heavy drinking, bimbo-ogling spouse. She scores double, by getting in the neighbors' good graces, and by insulting Leroy in absentia.

Where's Omar Sharif When You Need Him?

The Lockhorns and their neighbors, encumbered by a stifling aura of despair and ennui, participate in a bridge game. It's clear that Leroy has had quite enough. Whether or not Loretta actually kicked him is irrelevant, as Leroy feigns ignorance of bridge etiquette as a means of escape. He brilliantly shifts the blame for his ploy entirely on Loretta by suggesting either that leaving was her idea or that she's a cheat.