Thursday, December 31, 2009

To Arms, To Arms! My Jolly Grenadiers!

Given Leroy's notoriety for rankling his neighbors, Loretta should have thought beyond the usual taboos of politics and religion. You can't really blame her, though. In time, the list of forbidden topics will grow as surely as Leroy accumulates more shiners at various Levittown residences.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Vesti La Giubba

Leroy's timing is impeccable. He catches Loretta at the perfect moment to deliver his brilliant coup de pointe. It's his only chance for anything even remotely resembling pleasure this evening, and he's taken full advantage.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Carl Jung?

Leroy hasn't even bothered to show up for the latest session with D. Pullman, Marriage Counselor, in spite of the fact he has to shell out $175 an hour. Considering Pullman's dry, uninspiring manner and Loretta's incessant prattle, thus denying Leroy the opportunity ever to get a word in, it is understandable why he considers the whole thing a waste of time. Loretta remains an avid attendee, peppering her vocabulary with the latest psychobabble.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Give Me A Doctor Partridge Plump

Leroy's notoriously poor health lands him in the hospital once again. Loretta, quite used to this spectacle, is unfazed. Her excessive spending habits necessitate Leroy's being much more wary than your average debt-ridden American consumer.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

On The Reef Of Norman's Woe!

It's Lockhorns Sunday! In Panel One, we see that even fashion mogul Loretta, she of the most refined of tastes, is not above donning a low brow "I'm with stupid" T-shirt . Indefatigable Leroy has his say in Panel Two, as he explains the Lockhorns dinner protocol to his guest, who by now has surmised the doom awaiting him. The Lockhorns share a rare moment of tenderness in Center Panel, as Leroy figures he may want to weigh his words more carefully in the future. Panel Four provides a clever twist. It's usually Loretta who drags an unwilling Leroy off to venues of culture, such as art exhibits, only to hear Leroy gripe about the pretentiousness of it all. This time, Loretta beats Leroy to the punch with a clever critique of modern art. Panel Five brings us to the Levittown cocktail party scene, where, once again, Leroy ogles an enormous towering bimbo while straightening his tie. Such lechery does not go unnoticed by Loretta, who promptly hands her drink to her neighbor in preparation for getting down to business.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Ernest Thayer?

Oh, somewhere in Long Island the Christmas star shines bright, The carolers are singing, and somewhere hearts are light, And somewhere men and women laugh, and little children play, But there is no joy at the Lockhorns', especially today! Let's all hope Leroy had the presence of mind to spend verry little on that clock.

Friday, December 25, 2009

To Speke Of Wo That Is In Mariage

Loretta kicks off her Christmas holiday by complaining, for the third time this week, about Leroy's cheapness. It's obvious she talked Leroy into inviting the neighbors over just so she could have somebody to complain to. The neighbors seem particularly morose, but at least Leroy got to spike his coffee with alcohol.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Sextus Propertius?

The Lockhorns are full fledged members of the Levittown cocktail party circuit, and have hosted more than their fair share of soirees over the years. The Lenharts, undoubtedly, have acquired intimate familiarity with the cocktail bashes thrown by Leroy and Loretta.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

And Borrowing Dulls The Edge Of Husbandry

Loretta continues to harp on Leroy's cheapness for the second consecutive day. Her unfortunate redcoated neighbor gets to hear Loretta bemoan Leroy's having borrowed every gardening and carpentry tool in Levittown, rather than just buying his own. Then again, her excessive shopping sprees prevent him from doing so!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Преступление и наказание

A day doesn't go by when Loretta fails to complain about Leroy's cheapness to anybody within earshot, whether they care to listen or not, and it's usually the latter, as exemplified brilliantly by Loretta's betoqued acquaintance. What is especially impressive is New York City's new publicity campaign against crime. Where can I get a copy of that poster?

Monday, December 21, 2009

Don't Cry For Me Agrippina

D. Pullman, Marriage Counselor really takes the cake. He charges $175 an hour and then advises Leroy to compliment Loretta on her cooking. That's like complimenting your wife on her marksmanship as she drills you through the heart with a .357 Magnum. It's clear D. Pullman has given up on this train wreck of a marriage and is just going through the motions.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

La Traviata

Lockhorns Sunday! Panel One suggests Leroy and Loretta are toying with the idea of infidelity. It's a safe bet Leroy hasn't got any bait and that any sane angler would throw Loretta back into the water. Leroy is working up a sweat in Panel Two, as he works out in the aptly named neighborhood gym at Loretta's insistence. His songwriting analogy fails to impress his neighbor. Loretta continues to deny she is nagging in Center Panel, as she has done while nagging Leroy for ten consecutive days. Panel Four gets my vote, as Leroy drinks a toast in preparation for eating the nauseating glop Loretta has served for dinner. Poor Leroy, in Panel Five, has decked himself out in sports fan regalia (i.e., is dressed as an idiot) in the mistaken assumption that tonight was the Jets game at the Meadowlands. The nifty loge box Loretta managed to snag for tonight's opera at the Met fails to assuage Leroy's ire.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Stop All The Clocks, Cut Off The Telephone

Leroy continues to wage war against annoying telemarketers. He figures tit for tat, as his supper was interrupted, so will he interrupt their breakfast. Implicit is the probable fact that Loretta did not prepare tonight's repast, otherwise Leroy would surely welcome any interruption at all.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Christmas Creep

Loretta is out with Leroy at the neighborhood Christmas tree lot, where hundreds of fir trees have been cut and stacked for sale. Leroy's penury is legendary; surely he wants to minimize the expense in subsidizing this seasonal industry as much as possible. Loretta shows her disdain for the excuses he offers her by commenting about them to her amused neighbor.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Death Be Not Proud

Apparently Leroy has stopped by his favorite watering hole on the way home from work. Who can blame him? Judging from Loretta's nighttime attire, he has arrived home quite late. Therefore Loretta gives him the third degree. Leroy attempts to diffuse the tension with a clever reference to television game shows.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Thou Still Unravish'd Bride Of Quietness

Apparently, Leroy's waiting time in Dr. H. Blog's office was much longer than the 45 minutes predicted by the insolent nurse yesterday. Whatever the case, Leroy seems to be in arrears, and has admitted as much to the doctor, who seems skeptical. If he only knew!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Alfred Lord Tennyson?

Leroy is a frequent visitor to Dr. H. Blog's office, and no doubt a favorite target of Blog's crosseyed ichthyoidal nurse. Although Loretta tags along as usual to nag and insult her husband, the nurse deftly beats her to the punch by slathering on a healthy dose of sarcasm to get beneath Loretta's skin as well as Leroy's.

Monday, December 14, 2009

I Tie The Noose On In A Knowing Way

We all know that neckties, among all accoutrements foisted upon mankind, are utterly useless, unless one specifically wishes to cut off the circulation of blood to one's head. Thus it stands to reason Goodwill has no use for anybody's neckties, let alone the garishly loud specimens that somebody with Leroy's taste in haberdashery would have accumulated over the years.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Die Meistersinger Von Nürnberg

Lockhorns Sunday! Leroy is out of sorts in Panel One, thus accounting for Loretta's good mood. A clever dig to her neighbor about Leroy's weekend lassitude certainly wouldn't hurt, either. Thank God for this blog, or I'd miss out on the latest in popular culture. Thanks to Loretta in Panel Two, I know now what Zappos is. This cartoon gets my vote today simply on the basis of Leroy's priceless eye-rolling expression. Center Panel brings us a new twist, with no pun intended, on the old vaudeville joke, "Hey, doc, it hurts whenever I do this!" It makes you wonder how a couple that plays Hasbro games together can be so miserable. The tables are turned in Panel Four. It's not Loretta, the world's most reckless driver, being pulled over by the cops. It's not Loretta, the notorious cocktail party caterwauler, being ridiculed for loud, offensive, off key singing. It's Leroy! Panel Five wraps things up with a living room scene as the Lockhorns entertain neighbors. Leroy uses a boxing match as a pretext to get in a good dig at Loretta's verystrange mother, a.k.a. "Queen Victoria."

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Chivalry Is Not Dead

Loretta, in a fit of resigned self-pity, complains to her apathetic acquaintance that Leroy is not quite so gallant as he used to be. What he may lack in valor he more than makes up for in sheer magnificence, as his exaggerated chivalrous pose when he holds open the electric door with his toe suggests. His apparent happiness could be from imagining that he's helping her into an electric chair.

Friday, December 11, 2009

No Jury Would Convict Him

Loretta is no doubt familiar with the United States Bankruptcy Code. She cites it as an excuse to nag Leroy about his perpetual state of debt, even though the chances that one engaged in the use of one's computer would actually be writing one's autobiography is infinitesimal. Considering it's Loretta who puts Leroy in debt in the first place, it's a safe bet that Leroy is now googling the New York State Penal Code for uxoricide.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Elliot Jaques?

What's going on at Chip's Choppers? Is Leroy exhibiting signs of midlife crisis? Is he even serious about buying that motorcycle? Or is he perhaps merely mocking Loretta with parody? After all, his exaggerated pose and convoluted logic are both highly reminiscent of Loretta, not to mention the idea of spending money he doesn't have for something he can't afford.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Das Kapital

Leroy's strong suits include neither subtlety nor tact, especially when it comes to employees of business establishments and institutions, with whom he is constantly at war. His deadpan expression as he gets under the skin of a nondescript bank manager lends to his gesture true magnificence, even if Loretta seems less than impressed.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

There Is Another Sky, Ever Serene And Fair

Loretta is ever vigilant when it comes to disparaging her husband. Today, as the Lockhorns arise to face another day, she decides to deride Leroy over his baldness. By inference, she also alludes to his generally unkempt appearance as he lumbers out of bed. She's off to good start today, and chances are she will not relent as the day wears on.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Pro Deo Et Patria

Apparently the residents of Long Island are mindless drones, conditioned to stand at attention and place their right hands over their hearts whenever they hear the strains of 'The Star Spangled Banner' [sic]; this pertains even to cheesy electronic ringtones from cell phones.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Alles In Ordnung

An exceptional Lockhorns Sunday! Kicking off with Panel One, Loretta tries with a bon mot to convey the utter depths of Leroy's poor taste in table lamps. Expecting anybody to believe she can be speechless, even in a rhetorical sense, is beyond the stretch of even the most vivid imagination humanly possible. Panel Two gets my vote. The image of Loretta, self deluded into thinking she has any kind of talent at all, methodically pawing the keys of the living room spinet, and bellowing forth her trademark horrifying shrieks, is too good to pass up. Add to this Leroy's wry comment to his incredulous neighbor, and we surely have a winner. Leroy's ire is surely justified in Center Panel. He has to foot the bill for D. Pullman's $175 hourly fee. In addition, he has to pay for Loretta's ridiculously compulsive shopping sprees, as well as for ongoing car repair due to Loretta's negligent driving habits. Toss in her inability to cook, and her propensity for continual nagging, and it's a miracle he didn't punch D. Pullman's lights out on the spot for siding with Loretta! In Panel four, we learn that Loretta's dreadful inability to produce anything edible (or potable) in her kitchen extends to something as simple as coffee. Leroy is left speechless here, but at least in Panel Five he gets to experience at least a few minutes of fun, as he lets loose at a Levittown cocktail bash by cutting a rug with a shapely blonde seven foot tall bimbo. God only knows what Loretta has in store for her husband in retribution, as she so hints to her google eyed neighbor over a couple of martinis.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Cave Canem, Te Necat Lingendo

Leroy and Loretta are socializing at another Levittown cocktail soiree. This usually entails Leroy standing morosely in the background while Loretta insults him in front of anybody who happens to be within earshot, which, given Loretta's notoriously stentorian nature, more often than not encompasses the entire room. This time she has cornered a sole unwitting woman acquaintance, but no audience is too small for Loretta once she sets herself to the task at hand. Her clever metaphor is accentuated by Leroy's juxtaposition to a somewhat prominent looking mustachioed gentleman.

Friday, December 4, 2009

The + IRS = Theirs

The Lockhorns are frequent visitors to the Garden City, Long Island branch office of the IRS, due to their being audited at least once a month. It's no wonder, since Leroy has to tax his creativity when he fills his tax returns, since his income is miniscule when compared to the enormous expenses incurred by Loretta's compulsive shopping binges.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Eugene Ormandy?

Who says Leroy is a low-brow? While lesser males of the species are content making fools of themselves playing air guitar to Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love," Leroy busies himself conducting the Philadelphia Orchestra. Naturally, this won't impress Loretta, who has delusions of being highly cultured. Hence she deems it necessary to disparage Leroy's efforts to her apathetic purple clad neighbor, who had just happened to drop by for a visit which she'll no doubt regret.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Division Of Labor

The Lockhorns make Christmas simple. They have whittled their chores for this holiday down to exactly two, signing cards and signing checks. Leroy explains to his apathetic neighbor who does which.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Water, Water, Everywhere, Nor Any Drop To Drink

It's Loretta's turn in the hot seat at the Lockhorns' infamous tall boy desk, where America's favorite couple continually grapples with their impossibly dire morass of financial woes. Even Loretta's customary self delusion cannot save the day, since she and Leroy both know that their ship, far from having been coming in, has never even been seen on the horizon.

Monday, November 30, 2009

But Our Great Turks In Wit Must Reign Alone

Today's comic raises the question, whom is Leroy addressing, the salesman or Loretta? It all depends on who dared utter the cliche, "fits like a glove," in Leroy's presence. Leroy responds quickly with a timeworn response of his own. Tit for tat.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

I Never Lost As Much But Twice, And That Was In The Sod

Today's Lockhorns Sunday is superb. In Panel One, Leroy demonstrates his understanding of the American convention of separating the thousands' digit from the hundreds' by a comma. Still, even with motormouth Loretta around, surely he can find a better cell phone plan than that! Panel Two brings us to the Levittown cocktail party scene, where Leroy adjusts his tie with a gesture of bravado as he prepares to approach a seven foot tall blonde bimbo, despite Loretta's gentle warning. In Panel Three, Leroy encounters his usual dejection when he weighs himself on the bathroom scale. Leave it to Loretta to give this all too familiar scene a clever twist. Panel Four affords us a glimpse of Leroy's famous frugality. What better way to fend off the chills of a brutal Long Island winter than by putting those reams of otherwise unwanted junk mail to good use? In Panel Five, we see that playing the New York State Lottery is still a favorite pastime of Leroy's. In spite of Loretta's wry comment, he harbors no delusions of winning; simply, the more money he forks over to the state treasury, the less Loretta can get her hands on. Good luck voting this week. I can't possibly decide which of these splendid comics is best, even with splitting my vote.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Tis But Thy Name That Is My Enemy

Poor Leroy is in the doghouse again. This necessitates a visit to the florist to buy his wife what's-her-name a piece offering. I'll lay ten to one odds that Loretta this minute is running up a monumental debt on Leroy's credit card at Bloomimgdale's in the Roosevelt Field Mall. That's usually a safe bet.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Josephine Bonaparte?

The Lockhorns and another couple are having a little klatsch. To the wife of the couple, Loretta laments her disappointment in her spouse, while Leroy appears in the background with the mustachioed husband who seems rather puffed with pride. By contrast, Leroy appears unkempt and morose, as if to serve as the perfect foil for Loretta's insulting barbs.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Norman Rockwell?

The Lockhorns celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday with the only couple on Long Island who remain unaware of Loretta's notoriously toxic cooking. As the foursome sit before their sparse repast comprising a sole turkey, we learn through Leroy that gravy accompanies the meal. He takes sadistic delight in remarking on the disgustingly thick consistency of Loretta's gravy, much to her ire.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

None But Yourself Who Are Your Greatest Foe

Leroy's back on his trusted iMac, and he's gotten the hang of this Facebook thing, so much so that he's managed to personalize his homepage with his own unique brand of panache. Yes, only Leroy, notorious for his surliness and acrimony, can conjure up an enemies list to compliment the friends list that Facebook automatically supplies. Loretta is less than impressed.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

There's Small Choice In Rotten Apples

A dejected Leroy and his apathetic neighbor sit morosely in adjacent armchairs in the Lockhorns' living room amidst a continual, and loud, torrent of nagging, complaining, and beratement from Loretta, who stands two feet away with mouth agape, bellowing for all of Long Island to hear. Leroy indicates the extremes to which he'd go only to shut Loretta up.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Oleg Cassini?

Somewhere in his bedroom closet, amidst his Nehru jackets and bell bottomed trousers, Leroy still keeps his beloved collection of tie-dyed shirts. He silently contemplates the day when he once again can don these shirts, only to have his dreams abruptly crushed by Loretta the fashion maven.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

If Those I Loved Were Lost

It's Lockhorns Sunday! Panel One affords us a glimpse of the interior of the Lockhorns' refrigerator, rather sparsely stocked today except for an ample supply of Leroy's beer. Loretta is no doubt familiar with the routine where Leroy imbibes heavily in the hopes of drowning out her incessant nagging. Panel Two allows us to witness first hand Loretta's delusional tendencies. We already know she considers herself witty and talented, which is bad enough, but now we see she also thinks she's beautiful, at least in comparison to Leroy. Center Panel brings us to Leroy's personal arena, where he is continually at war with all agencies, companies, businesses, and institutions with which he deals every day, in this case the USPS. Panel Four gives us a bird's eye view of Loretta's hopelessly inept driving skills on display. That's a tight squeeze even for a skilled driver, so Leroy would be better off parking the vehicle himself instead of trying to impart upon Loretta an impromptu geometry lesson. Nonetheless, this panel gets my vote, but it was a close call, as Panel Five shows us that Leroy apparently subscribes to the handyman's mantra, "If it moves when it ain't supposed to, apply duct tape," and probably its corollary, "If it don't move when it should, apply WD-40," as well.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Cruelty Has A Human Heart

We're back at the Levittown cocktail party scene. Loretta, sans olives, is ready to converse with her frumpy neighbor stage right while Leroy has his eyes on a seven foot blonde bimbo stage left. Loretta has made it clear she won't tolerate Leroy as much as a modicum of enjoyment, which prompts Leroy to his ornithological comment.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Fifteen Men On The Dead Man's Chest

Once again, the Lockhorns enact their peculiar ritual when Leroy brings home his paycheck, hands it over to Loretta, and then disgruntingly bears the brunt of her humiliating insults. What makes this ritual even more fascinating is that while the check represents Leroy's earnings, it is Loretta who spends it into oblivion when she embarks on her cumpulsive shopping frenzies.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Revelations 13:18

Leroy is intimately familiar with hospital rooms and doctors' offices. If he's not there because of poor health or accident proneness, it's because of Loretta. She has inflicted a rather severe bruise in Leroy's side by trying to beat the fear of God into him, although given Leroy's fragile constitution, it probably only took a couple of discreet pokes. We see that Leroy's personal physician has changed his hair color.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

A Life In The Woods

Loretta is creative when it comes to tormenting Leroy. She is dedicated to this task as well, as evidenced by the effort required to wake Leroy out of a sound sleep at 3:05 AM.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Where Is There Dignity Unless There Is Honesty?

It looks like any idiot can start his or her own blog these days; I ought to know. We see Loretta has now joined the legions of bloggers, much to Leroy's chagrin, as he laments his woes to his apathetic neighbor. Indeed, instead of merely listening to Loretta's insults and nagging all day long, he also gets to read them in print, along with the millions of readers Loretta's blog is sure to attract.

Monday, November 16, 2009

I Had Been Hungry All The Years

Loretta takes her turn in the hot seat at the Lockhorns' infamous tall boy desk, where the horrors of their debt ridden financial straits are faced head on, much like an oncoming train. So desperate is their plight that they have to purchase cup holders on a monthly plan. The interest on that transaction alone is probably killing them.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

When You Are Old And Gray And Full Of Sleep

Lockhorns Sunday! Does anybody still remember how Truth and Dare is played? Leroy does, and he's playing it right now in Panel One to slip Loretta a backhanded insult about her fashion sense. The Lockhorns' woes with automobile mechanics continue in Panel Two. Given Loretta's destructive tendencies behind the wheel, it's a wonder how the car could last long enough even to allow consideration of its warranty's length. Center Panel has Loretta pining away for the days of youth, before overeating became just another way of escaping the miseries of life. Simply grateful for an edible meal, Leroy happily chomps on his toothpick, as America's favorite couple strolls away from the winner of the 2009 Long Island Association of Restaurateurs Cheesiest Website Award. Loretta's strange mother, a.k.a. "Queen Victoria," appears in Panel Four, where Leroy refers to a big hit 1980s pop tune to insult the old woman's eye brows. In Panel Five, the Lockhorns have gotten together with the neighbors to watch TV, so Loretta decides to set the pace for the evening by beginning immediately with insults about Leroy.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Let Me Not To The Marriage Of True Minds Admit Impediments

The Lockhorns, pillars of the community to all ages, have welcomed a young couple into their home, expressly to perform their most valuable service by discouraging the young couple away from thoughts of matrimony. They usually need only lead by example, but every so often they dispense sage advice, as we see Leroy doing.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer's Day?

The week long celebration of Loretta's birthday continues, and what better way to culminate the festivities on a Friday than to have Leroy present to Loretta his long awaited gift. Naturally, he gives Loretta a household appliance, in this case a vacuum cleaner, which tops the iron he gave her last year. Leroy's grand pose with arm extended says it all.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Living Dead

Loretta's birthday party continues! Today the neighborhood wives have joined Loretta in a huge nag fest on Leroy, whereupon they disclose ever so subtly their opinions of the guy via their novelty tee shirt gifts. Loretta cannot remember a warmer, more pleasant, birthday celebration.