The Summoning Of Everyman

Loretta, as insecure a social climber as ever there was, drags Leroy against his will to the ballet. Leroy will return the favor by poking at her ridiculous grandiosity all evening long with the down home earthly sarcasm of the common man.

As we never get to hear Leroy's political rantings and ravings, it's impossible to tell where he stands in the political spectrum, although his nihilistic tendencies would seem to point toward some form of libertarianism. Loretta is quick to seize the opportunity to provide a quip, of which Grin and Bear It would be proud, to her audience of a sole unfortunate visiting neighbor.

We're spared the unsettling spectacle of Loretta's strangely anachronistic mother, but Leroy won't be so lucky, as he invokes Greek mythology to describe aptly his impending fate.

Even the serene pastime of angling cannot provide Leroy respite from Loretta's constant irksome presence. His resigned expression tells all, as Loretta spends the day complaining.

At some sort of social gathering, Loretta's interlocutor steals the show. She is hunched over from bearing the weight of Loretta's incessant prattling, pounding her on all sides. Her eyes are glazed over in a combination of stifling boredom and the uneasy terror of being hopelessly trapped in the turgid flow of Loretta's logorrhea. As is gleaned from Leroy's comment, Loretta presently is pontificating on her favorite topic of monologue, Leroy himself.

Ihr Naht Euch Wieder, Schwankende Gestalten!

Lockhorns Sunday is off to a slow start in Panel One, where Loretta observes a quirk in human nature while Leroy tries to read his newspaper in peace. The pace quickens a bit in Panel Two. Self styled fashion maven Loretta has never trusted Leroy's taste in clothes. While she's deciding on Leroy's sports jacket, she can't resist ridiculing his posture. Things come to a crawl, literally, in Center Panel. The entire pharmaceutical industry, united in a common purpose to harass and annoy Leroy, keeps meticulous records of the Lockhorns' bathroom floor design and manufactures its pills accordingly. In Panel Four, the pace accelerates full force, as Leroy's unwitting lawyer is a dinner guest for the first, and probably the last, time. Leroy's investment of $6 for the Merlot pays off handsomely by providing the perfect segue into a magnificent insult of Loretta's culinary skills. We end up with a bang in Panel Five, where Loretta's insane mother is finally leaving after a lengthy stay. Leroy again has shown himself to be the master of unstated wit.

Lasciate Ogne Speranza, Voi Ch'Intrata

Lockhorns Sunday is upon us. Leroy, the most accident prone man alive (for now), takes a magnificent pratfall from his bed in Panel One. Loretta shows her usual concern for her loved one by providing her trademark deadpan commentary on the spectacle without missing a beat. The action slows down considerably in Panel Two, where Loretta rejects the saleswoman's suggestion of an ESPN tee shirt as a means of attracting Leroy's attention. Loretta, the most dangerous driver alive (for now), actually has a valid complaint in Center Panel. Otherwise, I defy you to find the New York state law that explicitly bans the application of lipstick and rouge while driving. In Panel Four, Leroy can't resist annoying Loretta with an insult of his insane mother-in-law, who imagines herself to be Whistler's mother. Who could blame him? Panel Five brings us to the Levittown cocktail party circuit, where Loretta, as usual, mesmerizes her woman neighbors with the latest gossip. We're fortunate Leroy's around to provide his appraisal of the situation to his neighbor.

Where Have You Gone, Henny Youngman?

Judging by their frequent references to "reality" TV shows, it's apparent the Lockhorns watch a lot of television, and their tastes are not too discerning. Leroy's quip, of course, pertains to Loretta's ridiculously anachronistic mother, a living relic of the nineteenth century seen knitting in the background.

Judges 9:54

Lockhorns Sunday. Loretta partakes in one of her favorite activities in Panel One. She leads a visiting neighbor over to a reposing Leroy just so she can hurl a litany of insults at him in front of an audience. In Panel Two, Loretta and Leroy find themselves in the throes of another harsh Long Island winter. Leroy has some fun with Loretta in Center Panel. He brilliantly counters the cartoon cliche of perfectly rounded mouse holes with a mother-in-law joke. In Panel Four, the Lockhorns storm out of the theater in the middle of the movie as Leroy takes offense at inconsiderate cell phone chatterers in the audience. He is reminded of the jargon of eighty years past. Panel Five offers us the incongruent sight of a gigantic print of the Lockhorns' wedding portrait gracing their living room wall. Apparently, Leroy had it installed, lamp and all, just so he complain about his marriage to his neighbors. Regarding Panel One, this is tit for tat!

Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death

It's an especially fulfilling Lockhorns Sunday. Leroy is no back row Presbyterian, as we see in Panel One. He's right there in the front pew, a mere arm's length from the preacher, thus lending his witty criticism of the preacher's prolixity a spectacular profoundness. In Panel Two, Loretta is at it again, rewording an old proverb for the purposes of nagging Leroy over anything convenient, in this case his ineptitude as a handyman. Center Panel has the Lockhorns dining out in style. Although Leroy appreciates the opportunity of an edible meal for a change, he's still frugal enough to appeal to Loretta's vanity to cut down the costs. Loretta's ridiculously anachronistic mother makes an appearance in Panel Four, producing an idiotic spectacle that Leroy finds most unappealing, as he reveals to his equally morose neighbor. Leroy is probably implying that he prefers a stretch in prison to his present life. Panel Five brings us to another Levittown cocktail bash, sans the bimbos. Leroy has nothing to do but get smashed, provided the liquor's any good. Most of the guests seem to be busy deciphering somebody's handwriting for some untold reason. Loretta suggests that today's nutty technological world has rendered handwriting a thing of the past.

Pain Has An Element Of Blank;

Today's comics are particularly depressing, even by Lockhorns standards, so we're in for a splendid treat. Don't be surprised if you find it difficult to vote for the best panel. For example, in Panel One, Loretta shows why she is the very best when it comes to her craft: she has elevated nagging to an art form, as she cleverly contorts cliches to enable her to say something only once, and yet a thousand times. Loretta exhibits another of her specialties in Panel Two, the play on words, or the metaphor, as applied to a popular adage. Today she has chosen "don't put all your eggs in one basket" as her medium, and she performs her perfunctory task with a heavy sense of ennui and despair, as if she has carried on her noblesse oblige alone on unappreciative ears to the point of wearying strain. Leroy in Center Panel shows Loretta up at her own game. His clever twist, brilliantly timed, on the cliche "come as you are" puts Loretta's efforts in Panels One and Two to shame, especially since he also worked in an implied insult. There's no stopping Leroy once he gets on a roll, and he lets Loretta have it in Panel Four, as yet another unwitting dinner guest is feeling the discomfort of acute nausea, thanks to Loretta's dreadful cooking. Panel Five sees Leroy and Loretta driving off from a visit to Loretta's ridiculously anachronistic mother, a.k.a. "Queen Victoria." Loretta, as well versed in psychobabble as she is, nonetheless prefers not to explore Leroy's acrimony toward his very strange mother-in-law.

When You Are Old And Gray And Full Of Sleep

Lockhorns Sunday! Does anybody still remember how Truth and Dare is played? Leroy does, and he's playing it right now in Panel One to slip Loretta a backhanded insult about her fashion sense. The Lockhorns' woes with automobile mechanics continue in Panel Two. Given Loretta's destructive tendencies behind the wheel, it's a wonder how the car could last long enough even to allow consideration of its warranty's length. Center Panel has Loretta pining away for the days of youth, before overeating became just another way of escaping the miseries of life. Simply grateful for an edible meal, Leroy happily chomps on his toothpick, as America's favorite couple strolls away from the winner of the 2009 Long Island Association of Restaurateurs Cheesiest Website Award. Loretta's strange mother, a.k.a. "Queen Victoria," appears in Panel Four, where Leroy refers to a big hit 1980s pop tune to insult the old woman's eye brows. In Panel Five, the Lockhorns have gotten together with the neighbors to watch TV, so Loretta decides to set the pace for the evening by beginning immediately with insults about Leroy.

No Man Is An Island, Entire Of Itself

Lockhorns Sunday! I'd have to split my vote between Panels One and Five, and Leroy's tam o' shanter has a lot to do with that. The miniature golf clubs did the trick as Leroy shot only twenty-five above par for the first time in years, so naturally Loretta will finagle him to rake the yard yet again. In Panel Two, we see Leroy was always years ahead of his time, thinking "you" was really spelled "u" all along. For the unititiated, that's Loretta's mother, a.k.a. "Queen Victoria," that Leroy is using as a model for his jack o' lantern in Center Panel. The whole idea is to pique Loretta's ire, which he does marvelously. Leroy's inafmous cheapness comes to the fore in the last two panels. Slumberland is a furniture store chain in the Midwest, so it is confusing to see the Lockhorns there in Panel Four, unless there's a guy in Long Island about to get hit with a lawsuit. We have classic Leroy in Panel Five. Always the gentleman, he orders two hot dogs for his guests first.

War Is Peace

Lockhorns Sunday! Vote early and often! In Panel One, Leroy attempts to interrupt Loretta's nagfest by feigning sleep, which by far is his happiest state. The best part is, he openly admits it.

In Panel Two, Loretta's mother, a.k.a. "Queen Victoria," relaxes in a kiddie pool, leaving the door wide open for Leroy's delightfully wry Wizard of Oz reference.

In Center Panel, Loretta discusses twittering with her up to date neighbor at a bus stop (the car must be in the shop again). Is twittering a fad, or here to stay? You couldn't tell by Leroy!

In Panel Four, Loretta goes to great lengths, dragging Leroy all the way to 150 Woodcleft Ave., Freeport, L.I., just to get a rise out of him. She is relentless.

In Panel Five, the gloves are off, as Loretta humiliates Leroy in front of the neighbors with her most scathing indictment yet of Leroy's earning capabilities. The neighbors, far from shocked, have heard and seen it all before.