Monday, August 31, 2009

Where's Curt Gowdy When You Need Him?

Usually, when Leroy indulges in a hobby, Loretta is always by his side to annoy, nag, and humiliate him. This time, however, Loretta is willing to let Leroy go fishing solo, but not without a brilliant parting shot. No doubt she'll think of an insult even more clever for his inevitably empty-handed return.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Sixteen Tons

Lockhorns Sunday! Leroy and Loretta relax on the beach in Panel One, but Leroy's too depressed to ogle bikini clad bimbos and Loretta's too depressed to nag Leroy, opting instead to complain about the USPS. Leroy drives a convertable with the top down in Panel Two. His own car is no doubt undergoing repairs, thanks to Loretta. Even here, she finds something to nag about. In Center Panel, Stan and Pauline are drawn much more realistically than all the other Lockhorns characters, lending them a remarkably strange appearance, and leading one to believe they may be based on real life Long Island residents. Leroy employs a clever play on words in Panel Four to great effect, and since what they're eating appears green, I'd go with salmonella, and with this very panel for my vote! Panel Five has Loretta once again mocking Leroy's many fruitless attempts at physical fitness.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Where Troubles Melt Like Lemon Drops

Loretta's pathological delusions that she has talent manifest themselves in a classic scene where she pounds away on the living room spinet and absolutely murders a beloved Wizard of Oz tune. Fortunately for the neighbor guest, Leroy is there to assuage his discomfort with a comment most appropriate for the occasion.

Friday, August 28, 2009

O Captain My Captain

Loretta, Leroy, and the Lockhorns' front door enact a favorite scene depicting Loretta holding Leroy's paycheck and disparaging its contents with a scathing insult hurled in Leroy's direction. Leroy reacts as he always does in this curious ritual.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Strange Life Of Ivan Osokin

Leroy finds his existence hellish enough without having to repeat it ad infinitum. He attempts to break the unbearable tedium in a most clever fashion, by goading Loretta into a fresh argument by needling her about her propensity for dredging up old ones.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Negative, Negative Ch'i

Loretta is always desperate to convince those around her that she is cultured, even if it's only lowbrow Leroy who is present. So it figures that she invokes the ancient Chinese art of Feng Shui when declaring her intention to move a lamp constructed with surgical gloves to the basement. Leroy's vacant grin is perplexing. Since when does he find Loretta amusing?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Simplify! Simplify!

In as few words as possible, Leroy equates Loretta's cooking with automobile tires by employing a clever reference to the Michelin Guide. In fact, economy of style permeates every aspect of today's cartoon, right down to the empty background.

Monday, August 24, 2009

A Tax For People Poor At Math

From Loretta's remark to her apathetic acquaintance, we may infer that Leroy regularly plays the New York State Lottery, in spite of the ridiculous odds against ending up ahead in the long run. From Leroy's seldom seen smile, we may infer instead that he plays precisely because of those odds, since more money to the state means less money Loretta can get her hands on.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Ecce Homo

Today's Lockhorns Sunday is superb. In Panel One, Leroy proves he can match Loretta pun for pun, and insult for insult, both with the same remark, which, coincidentally, is The Lockhorns' second tribute to Gene Roddenberry within the month. Leroy isn't so happy in Panel Two, where his notoriously poor health has him in the doctor's office yet again. He indicates his indignity at having to cool his heels in the waiting room by skillful use of hyperbole. In Center Panel, both Leroy and the waiter are profoundly unimpressed by Loretta's declaration of her fondness for chocolate. Panel Four presents Loretta with yet another opportunity to invoke the cliche about men never asking for directions, only this time she freshens it up by citing Robert Frost's famous poem, thus keeping her skills at nagging Leroy honed to razor sharpness. My vote today goes to Panels One and Five in a dead heat. In the latter, Leroy arrives at a Levittown soiree fully prepared, as he carries a bottle of his favorite hooch, presumably, for this bizarre occasion, grain alcohol. For once, Loretta is supportive.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

A Voice In The Void

In cocktail parties across Levittown, Loretta always enjoys humiliating her husband by insulting him in front of the other guests. Tonight, she's starting off slow, as she explains his slightly less than enlightened interpretation of a popular old adage to an apathetic neighbor woman.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Anniversary Of Torment

It is natural to expect Loretta to nag Leroy about their anniversary, since she nags him about everything else. The significance toward this end of the two suitcases and the bag of golf clubs is lost on Leroy's befuddled neighbor, but Leroy by now is quite used to Loretta's bizarre sense of logic.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Beyond Groaning

We find the Lockhorns again in session with D. Pullman, Marriage Counselor. Pullman by now is accustomed to Loretta's attempts at monopolizing the entire hour by complaining incessantly about Leroy, but when she starts displaying her predilection for atrocious puns, that's a bit too much.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Annus Terribilis

The Lockhorns are continually disrespected and abused every time they venture to fly. Intrusive security guards and snotty stewardesses are bad enough, but the flippancy shown here by the baggage claim clerk may be more than Leroy can stand, especially after four hours of Loretta's nonstop nagging.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

You Are Now A Chicken

Vaudeville is not dead on Long Island. Leroy has volunteered himself as a hypnotist's subject, but instead of providing relief from Loretta's nagging, it only makes matters worse, as she loudly insults and humiliates her husband from the audience. Loretta's scene stealing does not sit so well with the Amazing Mesmo.

Monday, August 17, 2009

At Least They Have Leg Room

The Lockhorns' many woes with air travel continue. A beleaguered stewardess struggles with a vending machine on a no-frills flight. She's in no mood for Leroy's complaining. Even worse, she's infringing upon Loretta's opportunities to nag Leroy during the flight.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Is God Dead?

It's Lockhorns Sunday. In Panel One, things keep getting worse for Leroy, as he complains to his apathetic neighbor about Loretta's incessant nagging. Panel Two demonstrates how Loretta shows her disdain for any car that cannot withstand the extreme punishment she hands it. This would include every motor vehicle on the planet. Center Panel brings us to North Shore Pharmacy in Huntington, L.I., as Leroy applies an old adage within the context of the average debt-ridden middle class American's struggles against the pharmaceutical industry. In Panel Four, Loretta tries to exact revenge on callous airport security personnel after years of constant intrusive searches. Panel Five gets my vote. For all I know, Leroy is apolitical. My guess is, he's yelling at, and not with, loudmouth Bill O'Reilly because he reminds him of Loretta.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

The Neighbors Never Learn

The Lockhorns are entertaining neighbors, thus affording Loretta another opportunity to belittle her husband. She is compelled here to ridicule Leroy's poor fashion tastes, but her comment makes you wonder exactly how old the Lockhorns are. This could explain Loretta's mother's Victorian Era garb. The neighbors must surely be regretting their visit by now.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Blest Be The Tie That Binds

Leroy tries to escape, if even just for an hour or two, from Loretta's constant nagging. It's likely she'll refuse to relinquish so much as a second of precious time in which to humiliate and berate her husband, even if it means sitting through a movie of Leroy's pedestrian tastes. The teenaged ticket clerk envisions a life of confirmed bachelorhood.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

A Tale Of Two Nags

Loretta can use anything, no matter how innocuous or mundane, as an excuse to begin nagging Leroy. This time, her relentless frustration at climbing the social ladder comes to the fore when she espies a mechanical horse. Leroy sullenly prepares himself for an evening of insults.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Loretta's joys in life always come at Leroy's expense. Here she revels in Leroy's discomfort as he suffers the aftereffects of spices that were too hot for him to handle. She takes pleasure in humiliating him in public, and she savors her amusement for all it's worth.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Epimenides?

The Lockhorns' ongoing financial troubles necessitate many visits to their lawyer, who wastes no time in confusing them both with a paradox. Is it the classic liars' paradox, in that he's leveling with them anyway? Or is it Catch 22, since a legal precedent cannot be set in the first place if it does not yet exist?

Monday, August 10, 2009

It's Good To Be Home

Loretta knows full well that infidelity on Leroy's part is the least of her worries. Nevertheless, a stray hair on Leroy's jacket gives her the opportunity to employ suspicion of such as a clever ruse, simply by which to taunt Leroy over his baldness. Leroy can tell that she's just warming up, so he resigns himself to another night of humiliation and nagging.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Nagito, Ergo Sum.

Don't forget to vote for your favorite Lockhorns Sunday comic(s). I'd go with Panel One. In an extremely rare occurrence, Loretta's at a loss for words, and Leroy deftly takes advantage. In Panel Two, Leroy's originality again comes to the fore. In an endless series of gastronomic atrocities perpetrated by Loretta, often upon Leroy's hapless dinner guests, Leroy always comes up with novel ways to insult her cooking. Center Panel sees Loretta at her manipulative best. She's already conned Leroy into doing the dishes, so she tries to parlay this into having him also do the laundry by appealing to his penuriousness. Panel Four presents a classic beach scene, whereupon Loretta displays the acute sense of hearing she always develops whenever seven foot bimbos make the scene. In Panel Five, the Lockhorns are presented an opportunity to stage a double suicide as the only means available to them to escape their financial ruin.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Thus Spake Zarathustra

A paunchy middle aged sugar daddy with a ridiculous combover makes a splash in the Levittown cocktail party scene by showing off his seven foot bimbo girl friend. Leroy looks on wistfully, a neighbor looks derisively over his shoulder, and Loretta, as though duty bound, delivers a bon mot to appraise the spectacle.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Love Is Strange

In an unusually romantic scene, Leroy and Loretta hold hands as they dine in an elegant restaurant. We can believe Loretta. What else can compel her, of all people, to turn off her phone? Given her notion of love, however, Leroy no doubt prefers the alternative.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Ashes To Ashes

Leroy delivers a requiem for a chicken dinner as Loretta stares sullenly at the burnt remains of her latest culinary failure. Smoke billows furiously and begins to fill the Lockhorns' kitchen, but there's no sense of emergency. The onlooking neighbor, for example, has witnessed this pathetic spectacle countless times.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Avoirdupois It Ain't

Loretta, perspiring after a strenuous workout at the health club, explains her unique system of weights to her unimpressed green clad neighbor.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Apply To Self

Leroy, notoriously unhealthy and accident prone, spends much time in hospitals and doctors offices. Here, his personal physician takes great delight in reminding Leroy of the shortcomings of his medical insurance plan, in a possible attempt to get a condom joke past the censors.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Damn You, Apple

It took so long for Leroy to install his desktop computer that the warranty expired before he even realized the computer was defective. Loretta is only too eager to point this out, thus adding to Leroy's anger and frustration. Once she gets on the phone, the news will be all over Levittown in no time.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

No Exit

Lockhorns Sunday! Vote early & often! In Panel One, the Lockhorns' stock woes continue. How do they survive?

In Panel Two, Loretta the perfectionist simply has to shop in style, even if it's just for groceries.

In Center Panel, Loretta has the misfortune of wearing the same bumble bee themed ensemble as does the mysterious seven foot bimbo with the hourglass figure. Leroy is only too happy to point out the glaring difference in the forms taken by the two dresses.

Loretta is at her acerbic best in Panel Four, as she lets Leroy know exactly where he stands relative to her lamp stand.

In Panel Five, Loretta strides away from the latest result of her private demolition derby, with a haughty air that reflects her sense of entitlement to plow over and through anything in her path on the public highways. Leroy is helplessly morose.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Franz Kafka?

Leroy's famous acerbity toward his neighbors was fueled by events such as this, as we witness a gentleman pointing proudly to his framed diplomas and certificates. Loretta, ever alert, grabs the opportunity to belittle Leroy, ostensibly for the benefit of the gentleman's wife, who tries to hide her discomfort.