I Do Not Understand

Panel One, upper left Love means never having to say, "Love means never having to say, "Love means never having to say, . . . and so forth. This is an infinite loop, reminiscent of the trap one falls in when one relies on cliches too often. Nonetheless, Leroy deserves credit for disguising his wisdom as a proud proclamation of his cheapness.

Panel Two, lower left Loretta receives many women visitors. Invariably, she leads them directly by wherever Leroy happens to be in the house for the express purpose of insulting Leroy in front of an audience. This ritual has been enacted thousands of times, each with its own unique effect. The woman visitors always look the same, though.

Center Panel There you have it. Leroy has the body of a frog. Knowing this, we can assume Loretta does also, since, when clothed, their bodies look exactly alike. You would think an amphibious couple would spend more time at the beach, but this is their first visit all year. I do not understand Loretta's comment; how does one "stay sucking"?

Panel Four, upper right In hot doubles action on the local tennis courts, Leroy tries to motivate his partner, Loretta, the legendary chatterbox of Levittown.

Panel Five, lower right Real-life attorney Ted Sklar peers down at the Lockhorns, out on their Sunday drive, from a billboard. I do not understand Loretta's comment. Surely she means exactly the opposite, that Leroy is extremely unlucky, otherwise he'd have divorced her years ago. Theirs is a marriage held together by the bonds of cheapness. Nobody can accuse Ted Sklar of false advertising.

Sixteen Tons

Lockhorns Sunday! Leroy and Loretta relax on the beach in Panel One, but Leroy's too depressed to ogle bikini clad bimbos and Loretta's too depressed to nag Leroy, opting instead to complain about the USPS. Leroy drives a convertable with the top down in Panel Two. His own car is no doubt undergoing repairs, thanks to Loretta. Even here, she finds something to nag about. In Center Panel, Stan and Pauline are drawn much more realistically than all the other Lockhorns characters, lending them a remarkably strange appearance, and leading one to believe they may be based on real life Long Island residents. Leroy employs a clever play on words in Panel Four to great effect, and since what they're eating appears green, I'd go with salmonella, and with this very panel for my vote! Panel Five has Loretta once again mocking Leroy's many fruitless attempts at physical fitness.

Nagito, Ergo Sum.

Don't forget to vote for your favorite Lockhorns Sunday comic(s). I'd go with Panel One. In an extremely rare occurrence, Loretta's at a loss for words, and Leroy deftly takes advantage. In Panel Two, Leroy's originality again comes to the fore. In an endless series of gastronomic atrocities perpetrated by Loretta, often upon Leroy's hapless dinner guests, Leroy always comes up with novel ways to insult her cooking. Center Panel sees Loretta at her manipulative best. She's already conned Leroy into doing the dishes, so she tries to parlay this into having him also do the laundry by appealing to his penuriousness. Panel Four presents a classic beach scene, whereupon Loretta displays the acute sense of hearing she always develops whenever seven foot bimbos make the scene. In Panel Five, the Lockhorns are presented an opportunity to stage a double suicide as the only means available to them to escape their financial ruin.

The Bickersons Lived Not In Vain

It's Sunday. Vote early and often. Panel One: Post Liquors, 510 Jericho Pike, Syosset, Long Island, will gladly welcome their most treasured customer. Loretta understands all too well.

Panel Two: Loretta slyly makes Leroy's propensity for flirting and ogling a matter of public record.

Center Panel is a classic. Leroy's sign and facial expression say it all. He has elicited the desired response from Loretta, and masterfully.

Panel Four: Leroy holds back on the wit, but he still achieves dramatic effect by refusing the plate of green substance Loretta has prepared as his unfortunate neighbor guest tries to gulp down at least a few mouthfuls out of politeness.

Panel Five: Loretta invokes Tennessee Williams's famous play as she unleashes a gratuitous complaint about Leroy's stinginess for the benefit of a neighbor couple, whose rolling eyeballs tell you they've seen it all before. So has Leroy, but he's still fuming. An excellent Sunday.

Working At Your Marriage

It's a slow day for ogling bikini clad women on the beach, so Leroy has taken to reading his New York Daily News right there in the sand. Loretta figures this is as good a time as any to insult Leroy in her famous deadpan style. You can tell she was saving this insult for a while since she took the precaution of showing up at the beach fully clothed.