Saturday, July 3, 2010

Did I Tell You About . . . ?

Even Leroy Lockhorn, the most interesting man in the world, needs to update his repertoire once in a while. Loretta gladly reminds him of this as they're off to yet another Levittown cocktail party. He may have to rely tonight on his old tried-and-true standard, and that is speaking out against the institution of matrimony. As an afterthought, you would think Leroy has thousands of hospital stories, given his medical history.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Ashes To Ashes

Loretta has served Leroy his dinner. It is an abomination, as is anything Loretta has ever cooked. This time we have a steak, burnt beyond recognition, of the consistency of shoe leather, and emitting acrid fumes throughout the dining room. This wouldn't be the first time Leroy has recited a requiem in memory of whatever the culinary atrocity on his plate used to be.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

In Absentia

Leroy wasn't around today, so Loretta couldn't insult him in front of an audience (comprising the sole bored looking neighbor) as usual. She resorts to insulting him when he's not even there, but it's not the same. Who prints pictures made from cell phones, anyway?

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Hey, Wait A Second

I'm guessing that Leroy has asked Dr. H. Blog M.D. for a second opinion after the doctor informed him he was overweight, hence the doctor's comment. I say guessing because I don't know what actually happened, since the doctor's response does not seem to fit at all as a retort to "I want a second opinion." The confusion and awkwardness is enhanced further by Loretta's giggling at Leroy's misfortune, especially since, as I have pointed out several times lately, their bodies have exactly the same shape.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Mother Of Learning

A woman neighbor visits Loretta. She sits on the couch, transfixed with a stare of boredom, as though she would rather be anywhere else on the planet, as Loretta insults her napping husband with yet another play on words. I wonder why this scene seems so familiar?

Monday, June 28, 2010

Burqa Swimwear

Leroy recalls yesterday's episode at Jones Beach when it was revealed he has the body of a frog, so it stands to reason he wouldn't want to look at Loretta's body if he can help it, since their body types are, to all appearances, identical.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I Do Not Understand

Panel One, upper left Love means never having to say, "Love means never having to say, "Love means never having to say, . . . and so forth. This is an infinite loop, reminiscent of the trap one falls in when one relies on cliches too often. Nonetheless, Leroy deserves credit for disguising his wisdom as a proud proclamation of his cheapness.

Panel Two, lower left Loretta receives many women visitors. Invariably, she leads them directly by wherever Leroy happens to be in the house for the express purpose of insulting Leroy in front of an audience. This ritual has been enacted thousands of times, each with its own unique effect. The woman visitors always look the same, though.

Center Panel There you have it. Leroy has the body of a frog. Knowing this, we can assume Loretta does also, since, when clothed, their bodies look exactly alike. You would think an amphibious couple would spend more time at the beach, but this is their first visit all year. I do not understand Loretta's comment; how does one "stay sucking"?

Panel Four, upper right In hot doubles action on the local tennis courts, Leroy tries to motivate his partner, Loretta, the legendary chatterbox of Levittown.

Panel Five, lower right Real-life attorney Ted Sklar peers down at the Lockhorns, out on their Sunday drive, from a billboard. I do not understand Loretta's comment. Surely she means exactly the opposite, that Leroy is extremely unlucky, otherwise he'd have divorced her years ago. Theirs is a marriage held together by the bonds of cheapness. Nobody can accuse Ted Sklar of false advertising.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Cheep! Cheep! Cheep!

It's the rare evening where the Lockhorns dine out in style, which means at an establishment that is not a fast food joint. Loretta voices her opinion on the matter in her trademark sarcastic manner when the waiter presents her with the ketchup. Touche. As the evening wears on, the waiter will likely have some good stories to pass on to his coworkers for when business is slow.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Passive Aggression Or Aggressive Passivity?

It figures that Loretta, when caught off guard, is bedecked in the most cliched getup imaginable for the American housewife: bathrobe, hair curlers, fuzzy slippers, but I have to ask, where's the mudpack? Leroy's expression clearly indicates that the timing of his invitation to the neighbors was purely intentional. When has he ever invited neighbors over, anyway? The male guest and Leroy exchange knowing glances. I figure the couple have been contemplating marriage, and Leroy set the guy straight in a most striking way.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Where's Marie Curie When You Need Her?

After the extremely rare occasion when Leroy buys Loretta a ring, what does she do but bring it right to the jewelers to get it appraised! You can't blame her for her curiosity, as Leroy's cheapness is legendary. Who knows where he got that thing? Why, its stone consists of a mineral unknown to science! Or, it could be the jeweler flunked chemistry in high school.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

It's Cheaper Than HBO

Today's scene is familiar. Leroy is napping in his favorite armchair. Loretta receives a visitor. Loretta wastes no time in parading her visitor by the reposing Leroy, for the express purpose of insulting Leroy in front of an audience. The neighbors always seem bored or annoyed by such performances, but you have to wonder why they keep visiting the Lockhorns with such consistent frequency. Maybe it's like watching cable TV. You know it's nothing but crap, and yet, you keep going back for more.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


At first glance, Loretta's extravagantly arrogant pose takes center stage, as she gloats in triumph in her trademark affected manner, having officially conferred upon her husband the status of public butt of complaints. A closer inspection, however, reveals that it is Leroy who steals the show with his excellent deadpan reaction.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Word Up

Even though Scrabble is a word game, Loretta's comment just doesn't make sense. If you're at all familiar with the game, I'm sure you'll agree. Loretta probably has hundreds of tired old idioms and cliches, all involving the noun "word," in mind for recital during tonight's game. A word to the wise.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

What Can I Say?

In Panel One, upper left, Leroy inexplicably leaves himself wide open by tossing out an idiom which Loretta, naturally enough, chews up and spits out right back in his face.

Panel Two, lower left, has the Lockhorns in their bathroom. It's impossible to tell exactly what's going on here. From the gist of Loretta's comment, I can only surmise that's a tube of Preparation H she's holding there. Then again, she could just be caulking the bathroom mirror, but who knows?

Taking in a local production of The Three Penny Opera is a good way to support the arts, as Loretta is wont do do, even if it always involves dragging along an unwilling Leroy. He'll have his say, and it always begins with complaints about the ticket prices, as seen here in Center Panel.

In Panel Four, upper right, the Lockhorns' woes with every imaginable facet of the airline industry continue. Despite having a body with Leroy's exact same dimensions, Loretta somehow managed to escape the humiliation at the hands of the security personnel that Leroy now endures.

You can bet Leroy's been belting down those scotch-and-sodas all night long in Panel Five, lower left, as he partakes in an all too familiar scene at Levittown's latest cocktail bash. With his tongue dangling out the side of his mouth, he tries bumping hips with an hourglass-figured woman whose hips would come up to about Leroy's neck, if he had one. Loretta, no doubt weary from the evening's proceedings, isn't quite up to her usual standards, as her commentary on the spectacle fails to impress her neighbor.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

A Bird In The Hand

Leroy, yet again, is embroiled in a ferocious argument with one of his neighbors. His irascibility toward his neighbors is legendary. Many of these heated discussions turn to fisticuffs, and it seems like Leroy's interlocutor is deciding between clenching his fist in anticipation of such, or flipping Leroy the bird. Loretta, of course, is there to provide commentary to whomever she can get to listen. She seems to be implying that Leroy brightens up a room by leaving it.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Hot Feces Is Cold Comfort At A Time Like This

Today's Lockhorns panel employs two elements crucial to its astounding success over the years. One element is, of course, Leroy's carping about Loretta's atrocious cooking. The other element is the time-honored Lockhorns tradition of wordplay on some tired old idiom, in this case "cold comfort," which predates Shakespearean times. The wordplay depends on the idiotic phrase "comfort food," but it is severely hampered here because the modifier "cold" could be misconstrued as pertaining to the temperature of the culinary monstrosity Loretta has served up, instead of the horrifying quality of its essence, as was surely intended. In an attempt to prod the reader in the right direction, the cartoonists depicted the meal in question to resemble exactly, within the context of the delightfully minimalist style in which the comic is drawn, a pile of shit.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Cockroaches In Levittown

Leroy reposes in his favorite armchair, probably exhausted from the latest round of bickering with Loretta. I say this because Loretta doesn't look all too chipper herself. Nonetheless, she staunchly performs her duty by complaining about her husband to her neighbor.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Oblong In The Tooth

Leroy carries on the Lockhorns tradition of insulting one's spouse by wordplay on a tired old idiom. An irate Loretta no doubt will get her chance to return serve, as these two longtime adversaries are evenly matched in this clever skill. Naturally, today's performance is greeted with a look of excruciating boredom from the receptionist of one Willis Green, DDS, who may or may not soon be incorporated into the Lockhorns pantheon of ancillary characters, alongside the likes of D. Pullman and H. Blog.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Everybody's Somebody's Fool

D. Pullman, Marriage Counselor, as usual has his hands full. Leroy and Loretta have become embroiled in yet another argument. They both fume with anger as Pullman, once again, is completely at a loss as to what to do. The argument centers on Leroy's hilarious choice for the couple's "song," a choice which, at least from his perspective, is spot on. Why, it's bad enough just forking over $175 an hour just to hear Loretta complain nonstop to this ineffectual putz of a marriage counselor.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Loathing In Levittown

Loretta, as usual, is angry at Leroy. Her response is to give him the cold shoulder while leaving snide little reminders around the house to indicate her ire. The best way to get under Leroy's skin is to remind him of the very words he no doubt most deeply regrets ever having uttered, and she knows it.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

The Sharper The Wit

I like Panel One, upper left. Loretta is expecting way too much, as any Lockhorns aficionado will tell you.

Panel Two, lower left, is dominated by the Lockhorns' infamous tall boy desk, that symbol of their messy financial state. In a depressed state, Loretta invokes that timeless sitcom, Gilligan's Island.

In Center Panel, an act of chivalry between a young couple prompts Loretta to regale her neighbor with some well-timed self-deprecating humor.

Today's selection of panels is excellent, but if I had to choose one, I guess I'd go with Panel Four, upper right. In spite of having insulted Loretta's horrendous cooking thousands of times by now, Leroy always manages to come up with a new clever twist.

I wouldn't peg Leroy for a woman hater at all. He just plain hates everybody. Thus, I think he was not disparaging women drivers, but instead Loretta in particular. And why not? She's only totaled hundreds of automobiles! Regardless, the woman neighbor seems to appreciate Loretta's remark. She's one the few neighbors over the years who hasn't greeted a remark from either Lockhorn with the same painfully bored expression her husband wears.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Proverbs 16:18

Oops. Loretta forgot to insult Leroy yesterday about his paycheck. She makes up for it today by killing two birds with one stone, insulting both his paycheck and his angling prowess with a single contemptuous barb. Leroy has nobody but himself to blame, giving Loretta the perfect opportunity to spew her venom the instant she opens the door to greet him. What the hell did he expect, with that ridiculous display of pride over his catch the size of a minnow?

Friday, June 11, 2010

Connect This

Facebook has been around for less than a decade. It needs pioneers. Enter Leroy. The man is already a legend in his Levittown neighborhood. His irascibility and antagonism toward his neighbors is the stuff of lore. Rude comments, shouting matches, and even fisticuffs are not outside his realm. An electronic medium may be just what he needs to ensure that his legacy become everlasting.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

You Don't Say

Loretta says she wouldn't say it. Then, after a brief pause, she says it anyway, after which she reiterates immediately that she wouldn't say it. Notwithstanding she's a fine one to comment on Leroy's weight, Loretta employs her peculiar brand of logic to insult Leroy in such a way as to confuse him into thinking about it for the rest of the day, thus providing the insult with great staying power.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

It Wasn't My Fault, San Andreas

When it comes to experience in refereeing fights, Arthur Mercante Sr. would have to take a back seat to D. Pullman Marriage Counselor, given the countless bouts of spiteful bickering between Leroy and Loretta that Pullman has endured. Not that he's complaining, given that he's endured it all to the melodious tune of $175 an hour. This bearded Solomon sits pensively as he peers at Leroy though his pince-nez spectacles, most likely in contempt, as Leroy's weak jab at Loretta, relying solely on the humorless premise that fault has two meanings, falls short. We can see Loretta primed to counterattack, and she'll no doubt take Round 7 on points.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Ars Poetica

Loretta, the sage housewife of the Levittown plains, receives many visitors, every one of whom she will lead, nonchalantly, by Leroy's vicinity so that she might deliver a one-liner, always an insult directed toward Leroy which involves wordplay on an idiom, to an audience, invariably unimpressed, of one. Even though Loretta delivers her mot du jour in perfect rhyme, the neighbor's bored expression indicates that this new twist won't make a difference, especially after witnessing perhaps hundreds of such performances. Loretta's wit is again wasted, forever lost in the wilderness of space and time, and deservedly so, much like this blog.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Corruptisima Re Publica Plurimae Leges

Loretta is the embodying spirit of every negative stereotype pertaining to the American housewife imaginable. Today she adds to the list an incredible naivety. I have a hard time believing she can be that dumb, given all the cleverly plotted abuse, verbal and otherwise, she has directed toward Leroy for years. Then again, as she's never worked, she very well may be ignorant of the ways of bill collectors, which could, at least partially, explain her ridiculously compulsive shopping habits. But if this be the case, why has it taken Leroy so long to notice?

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Why, I'm Thirty-nine!

Let us revel. Today's Lockhorns Sunday comics cornucopia begins in Panel One, top left, where Leroy is busy at his trusted iMac, apparently using Google to settle a bet with his neighbor, which is plausible, given Leroy's argumentative nature. Since Loretta embodies every negative stereotype regarding American housewives ever conceived, it's not surprising to learn that vanity toward her age is one of them.

Panel Two, lower left, presents a striking scene that makes me wish that View-Master were still around, and that The Lockhorns were on it. Leroy and Loretta, pillars of Levittown society, attend yet another wedding. Usually Leroy waits until after the ceremony to speak his well known views on marriage, roughly comparing it to a life sentence in prison, or worse. This time he draws the ire of his neighbors by using the ceremony itself as a forum for expounding his philosophy. Loretta, thoroughly embarrassed, tries to save face by admonishing her husband in public.

In Center Panel, we have yet another neighbor paying a social call to Loretta, who nonchalantly saunters by the fireplace, where a shoe on a plaque is proudly displayed on the wall overhead. Naturally, the neighbor becomes inquisitive over such an unusual trophy. Loretta is ready with her clever one-liner about Leroy's ineptitude at angling.

We have parking lot hi-jinx in Panel Four, top right, as Leroy was forced to squeeze into a parking spot only an inch wider than his car, thus foisting upon himself and Loretta the ignominy of using the sunroof as a means of egress. For Leroy, the ordeal is more than worth the effort, just to see Loretta become irritated.

We end with Panel Five, lower right, where the Lockhorns find themselves in a familiar setting, a Levittown cocktail party. Leroy's favorite activity at these affairs is getting inebriated and dancing with one of the many unnaturally towering and tiny-waisted women who always show up as guests. This inevitably provides fodder for Loretta to deliver one of her famous one-liners regarding Leroy's outlandishness to anybody who will listen. The only problem is, her comment doesn't make sense, since crazy is an adjective, and besides, wouldn't Leroy bat third?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Outlaws Are Wanted!

Somehow, Leroy was able to swing for a reasonably priced low season vacation package for two at Punta Cana. Vacation or not, he must still contend with Loretta's constant nettlesome presence. She has him writing post cards to her insane mother, a living relic of the Victorian Age. This prompts Leroy to speak the simple truth, baldly and directly, with no adages, cliches, or puns thrown in, thereby producing perhaps the greatest mother-in-law gag ever seen in print.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Come To Me, My Macrocephalic Baby

Loretta's head has grown in size to exceed that of her body. It dominates today's panel, encompassing all of its center. The woman on the couch is mesmerized by this freak phenomenon. What has caused Loretta's head to swell to such gigantic proportions? That's easy: after decades of trying, she's finally succeeded in breaking Leroy's spirit. As Leroy's mien in the background confirms, countless years of Loretta's nagging have reduced him to a lifeless mope, forever lost in a daze of anguishing ennui and despair.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Leroy Fumbles The Ball

Presumably Dr. H. Blog M.D. is Leroy's primary care physician in Leroy's HMO. Thus Leroy, ever irascible, may be taking a well-aimed potshot at the doctor. With Loretta standing right there, he has blown a golden opportunity to say, "My headaches started when I got married." How often does a chance like that pop up?

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

After Bad What?

Again we see Leroy managing his finances on a table, and not at the infamous tall boy desk. This gives Loretta more space, and a better vantage point from which to kibbutz. As she belongs to the same gym as Leroy, may we assume she did not renew her membership? Otherwise, she loses credibility, since she's just as guilty as Leroy at today's scintillating idiom, throwing good money after bad.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Loretta's Version Of The Bataan Death March

The neighbors, you may have noticed, seem to pop in to visit the Lockhorns with unnaturally high frequency. It's always the same. The neighbor looks on with an air of bored indifference as one Lockhorns spouse insults the other, always with a well-timed one-liner delivered to the neighbor comprising an audience of one. Today's audience is especially tough. The bald guy seems thoroughly unimpressed by Leroy's brilliant metaphor about Loretta's dreadful cooking. It is apparent the palates of Levittown are refined to the point where only the purest levels of vicious spite and acerbic loathing will suffice as entertainment.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Google This

Even Loretta can sympathize with Leroy, as she glumly tells the reason for his sadness to her neighbor, who resembles an anthropologist observing her subject. If only Leroy knew of his fame outside the wretched universe in which he lives! In his own world a nondescript schlep, he has no way of knowing about all the wonderful, provocative hits we get when those of us in the real world google "Leroy Lockhorn," thus providing ourselves with hours of intense surfing pleasure.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Driv Thru

Lockhorns Sunday kicks off with the revelation that Leroy keeps a podium in the house. It's handy for occasions when Leroy wishes to engage in diversions, such as bowling, that will provide him with much-needed relief from Loretta's constant annoying presence. All it takes is some bombastic oratory, accentuated by fist-pounding and sprinkled with quotes from the Declaration of Independence.

Leroy complains in Panel Two about the poor quality of programming available on TV, but he may just be tacitly insulting Loretta at the same time.

As Loretta's world revolves completely around shopping, it is inevitable that she compare Leroy's penchant for Jack-In-The-Box Drive-Thru to window shopping. However, the real issue here is, when did the Lockhorns get the snazzy convertible? And how about the neighbor in the back seat? Did Loretta invite her along? "Say, we're going out for Jack-In-The-Box, wanna come?" Who could resist?

For all their mutual spite and loathing, the Lockhorns do spend a lot of time together engaged in their favorite sport, fishing. It is an activity that each of them clearly detests, so that each may derive some pleasure from the other's misery.

We finish with a standard battle-of-the-sexes gag, where Leroy, having no idea what to buy for Loretta, complains to the nearest available shopper, and even manages to work in his interpretation of Freudian psychology.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Sometimes Lifetime Isn't Fair

Leroy's arms barely reach beyond his eyes, but this doesn't stop him from celebrating wildly as the hockey game he's been watching has gone into overtime. Since his beloved Islanders didn't even make the playoffs, he cares naught who wins the game. His pleasure derives solely from Loretta's chagrin at having to sit through more sports on TV instead of getting to watch some Lifetime, and her whining only accentuates it.

Friday, May 28, 2010


The prospect of being cooped up in the house with Leroy has Loretta frantically taping pictures of famous landmarks onto the living room walls as a means of escape. If Leroy and Loretta get on each other's nerves too much, the Lockhorns may well end up on a slaycation. Clearly, they're better off with a naycation, which is no vacation at all, but the very least they could consider alternatives, such as a haycation (a drive to rural Upstate New York), or a raycation (renting a pair of sunlamps). The possibilities are endless.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Some Things You Cannot Hide

The current story line in Mary Worth is about a woman whose compulsive shopping habits have rendered her life out of control. There can be no doubt that the authors of this beloved serial comic strip have pored over decades of Lockhorns cartoons as part of their research into this psychological phenomenon, as Loretta remains to this day the best known literary figure among the world's compulsive shoppers. The most startling aspect of Loretta's affliction is the gloating expression she wears on her face as she returns home with yet more armloads of unnecessary and expensive purchases. She absolutely beams with pride, basking in the purely spiteful pleasure of having run Leroy's credit card debts even higher. Leroy can do no more than take advantage of having been casually standing by the front door with his neighbor as Loretta made her entrance, so as to deliver a one-liner in front of an audience. It remains a mystery as to why Loretta's father ever married a woman who dresses up like Queen Victoria.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Alterius Non Sit, Qui Potest Esse Sui

A greeting card display case grandly supplies the scenery for today's panel. It is clear that Leroy is the intended recipient of Loretta's get-well card, as she explains its purpose to the saleswoman, that being to taunt and nag him as he recuperates from the latest self-inflicted injury incurred while attempting to do handy work around the house. The alarming frequency of this phenomenon, along with Loretta's slyly cool demeanor, suggest perhaps that Leroy's demise may not have occurred entirely by accident.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Life's Simplest Pleasures Are The Best

Leroy lumbers about the house, disheveled, unshaven, and unkempt. He baldly scratches himself, as his dolorous eyes scan The Racing Form for more losing horses. He's well beyond caring about his appearance, his demeanor, or, from the looks of things, his hygiene. Loretta, thoroughly embarrassed in front of her neighbor, saves face by declaring openly her venomous disgust for Leroy, deeming him unfit as human chattel. The neighbor steals the scene with her defensive posture, coiling back into the couch as far as possible from Loretta, her hands firmly gripping the couch cushions and her eyes narrowed in icy cool alertness, as she anticipates Loretta's next move as one would a cobra's.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Delightfully Tacky Yet Unrefined

Scooters, not at all to be confused with Hooters, is that well known chain of restaurants famous for its waitresses, who just happen to be Leroy's preferred type of woman, approximately seven and a half feet tall (five of which comprise the legs), with twelve inch waists, and with breasts comparable to Chesty Morgan's. Leroy's passing comment is clearly meant to taunt Loretta, whose bodily dimensions exactly mirror Leroy's. Come to think of it, she can't cook, either. This could get ugly.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Impressionists Are Impressionable

Today's Sunday Lockhorns is outstanding. We have Leroy in the hospital, an appointment with D. Pullman, Leroy in an art gallery, Loretta's dieting fiascos, and Leroy's bimbo-ogling, all in one glorious set of panels. These are five acute specimens from the pantheon of beloved Lockhorns gags, and we should take the time to be appreciative.

Leroy, the patron saint of inept handymen, is in the hospital again. His broken right foot, in traction, is counterbalanced by a pulley operated by his injured right hand; this may be intended as a strengthening exercise. It appears he's sustained a concussion as well, and further bandages and body scars suggest that Leroy took a terrible fall and he's lucky to have survived. Loretta long ago was inured to such spectacles, over thousands of such hospital visits throughout her marriage. By now, her visitation routine consists of a deadpan delivery of a caustic one-liner by which to ridicule Leroy and his predicament.

D. Pullman, Marriage Counselor, has his hands full with Loretta, who once again insists on monopolizing the session. Between this, and the $175 per hour he shells out for these sessions, Leroy has plenty to fume about.

Loretta fancies herself cultured and refined, and often drags Leroy against his will to artistic venues, such as today's art gallery, where Leroy takes a poke at Loretta's pretentiousness by hilariously mixing a cliche with an art genre.

Leroy tells it like it is as he exits the Golden Dolphin with poor Loretta, forever caught in the morass of poor body image as she perpetually frets about, and cheats on, her myriad of self-imposed diets.

At a social gathering, Leroy partakes in his usual habit, gawking wistfully at a towering, and incredibly well-endowed, bimbo. In response, Loretta makes a puzzling remark to her bored neighbor. Not entertaining thoughts would seem to imply an inability to think, but then how can Leroy be entertained by thoughts when he cannot think in the first place?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Painted Into A Corner

It appears Loretta knows a dark secret of the hardware store clerk, and is blackmailing him into helping her to embarrass Leroy in Public. She should be careful. Continually pointing out Leroy's bad taste will lead people to think it pertains to his taste in spouses as well.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Boy, You Gotta Carry That Weight

In spite of his ongoing battles with the bathroom scale, Leroy cannot resist the temptation of a handy box of doughnuts. Loretta, herself immersed in perpetual self-loathing over her body image, takes offense at Leroy's transgression. Either that, or she fears that the appetite-suppressing qualities of the doughnuts will deny her the pleasure of torturing Leroy with her horrible cooking that evening.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Absque Argento Omnia Vana

Loretta can't wait to see the look on Leroy's face when he learns that his credit card limit has been exceeded. It's too bad the clerk and the neighbor do not share in the obvious pleasure Loretta feels whenever she tortures Leroy by running up his debts.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Men Are From Hempstead, Women Are From Mineola

We're all familiar with the stereotype of the wife remembering every damn thing her husband has ever said, but perhaps it's inaccurate. Whatever the case, Loretta's taking no chances, as Leroy explains in his trademark deadpan delivery to his neighbor, who is clearly ill at ease at witnessing further examples of the obsessive spite that dominates the couple's relationship. It's reasonable to assume that Leroy's faults are not a matter of public record, and thus we may conclude Loretta builds her "scrapbook" with hand written notes in which she criticizes her husband, thereby raising the art of nagging beyond pathological levels.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Help! I'm Being Held Prisoner In A Chinese Embassy!

Today we see a new twist on an old gag, popular many years ago, when an unsuspecting patron would open a fortune cookie to read, "Help! I'm being held prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory!" Perhaps The Lockhorns is commenting in a sly way on the new wave of paranoia sweeping America in the midst of these stark economic times. It's surprising to learn that embassies now have the power to arrest and detain citizens of their host country, and even set bail. What happens if Leroy and Loretta jump bail? Will the embassy police send a special unit to Levittown?

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Twenty-first Century Nag

Loretta, having been force fed by the media the notion that spouses must always ask the question "How was your day?", demands that Leroy do the same. Meanwhile, Leroy deeply regrets having opened a twitter account, as it has enabled Loretta to annoy him constantly, even when he's at work. We have the recipe for a pleasant evening of bickering.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Summoning Of Everyman

Loretta, as insecure a social climber as ever there was, drags Leroy against his will to the ballet. Leroy will return the favor by poking at her ridiculous grandiosity all evening long with the down home earthly sarcasm of the common man.

As we never get to hear Leroy's political rantings and ravings, it's impossible to tell where he stands in the political spectrum, although his nihilistic tendencies would seem to point toward some form of libertarianism. Loretta is quick to seize the opportunity to provide a quip, of which Grin and Bear It would be proud, to her audience of a sole unfortunate visiting neighbor.

We're spared the unsettling spectacle of Loretta's strangely anachronistic mother, but Leroy won't be so lucky, as he invokes Greek mythology to describe aptly his impending fate.

Even the serene pastime of angling cannot provide Leroy respite from Loretta's constant irksome presence. His resigned expression tells all, as Loretta spends the day complaining.

At some sort of social gathering, Loretta's interlocutor steals the show. She is hunched over from bearing the weight of Loretta's incessant prattling, pounding her on all sides. Her eyes are glazed over in a combination of stifling boredom and the uneasy terror of being hopelessly trapped in the turgid flow of Loretta's logorrhea. As is gleaned from Leroy's comment, Loretta presently is pontificating on her favorite topic of monologue, Leroy himself.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Better Late Than Early

Abstraction abounds as we see Levittown's latest soiree taking place in midair. The Lockhorns have arrived late. Leroy apologizes, and promptly blames Loretta, for their tardiness. Leroy and the host clearly are not thrilled to see each other, so it's likely they're late by Leroy's own design. Understandably, Loretta resents being made a scapegoat in what's shaping up to be a tense and awkward evening for all involved.