Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Never Again

Loretta frequently drags Leroy along on her compulsive shopping binges, sometimes adding insult to injury by having him hold her pocketbook while she spends his meager paycheck into oblivion. Today Leroy has made a stand, and has figured out a clever way to circumvent what is clearly a painful occurrence for him, simply by logging on to the BUY NOW website with his trusted iMac.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Where's Sherwood Schwartz When You Need Him?

Loretta is getting ready to view a minimalist version of ABC's hit show Lost with her unfortunate neighbor when Leroy saunters by on his way to the kitchen to grab a beer. As if right on cue, Loretta immediately lets loose with a stinging insult about her husband.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Balls Cried The Queen

Today's scene has been repeated ad infinitum during the Lockhorns' long tumultuous marriage. Yet, Leroy still doesn't realize that when Loretta says "We need to talk," it is the royal "we," and in particular the Victorian "we," that she means. No doubt, she gets this from her mother, a living relic from the Victorian Age.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

O Pioneers!

You can't blame Leroy in Panel One. From his perspective, he simply prefers good news to bad. Considering how much Leroy hates the opera, it had to be he who did the scalping during the "incident" Loretta refers to in Panel Two. Self deluded Loretta considers herself a yoga master in Center Panel, so Leroy decides to have some fun at her expense. His neighbor, unfortunately, is unimpressed. In spite of Leroy splitting an infinitive in Panel Four, it still gets my vote, as Leroy cleverly employs a prop to insult Loretta's dreadful cooking. In Panel Five, Leroy whoops it up with a seven foot bimbo at the latest Levittown cocktail party. Loretta has asked her neighbor to hold her signature plate of two olives, thus enabling Loretta to stir her drink and whip up yet another atrocious pun.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Lon Chaney?

Leroy and Loretta sit in the first row of the local multiplex to watch this year's remake of The Wolfman, when Leroy turns nonchalantly to the stranger to his right and and makes a clever quip about Loretta's irksome tendencies. The stranger pays no attention to Leroy, as he has no idea who Loretta is, but to Leroy it matters naught. If Leroy is correct, we should expect Loretta to start wearing Victorian Era garb soon.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Big Sleep

Leroy takes part in one of his frequent naps as his only hope of escaping Loretta's constant nagging. Only the deepest slumber will save him, though. Loretta makes it a point to drag one of her neighbors over by the couch, thus providing her with an audience, however unwilling, as she complains loudly about her husband, yet again.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

John 8:32

Leroy speaks the unabashed truth. He feels free for a change, in the only place besides Arthur's Bar where he can feel both welcome and comfortable, even in Loretta's annoying presence. At the same time, he also manages a clever dig at Loretta's weight-conscious ways.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Old Nag And The Sea

Leroy has tried many hobbies over the years, but none have succeeded in providing him respite from Loretta's irksome presence. She always manages to tag along, lest she be denied the oppurtunity to nag Leroy unmercifully at every turn. Leroy can try all he wants to tune her out, but it's always to no avail, a fact plainly not lost on him.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Comin Thro' The Rye

Either today is Sunday or an old lady changed her routine and badly disrupted the Long Island traffic flow. So says Leroy. Perhaps he's running out of alibis to cover for his stops at Arthur's Bar on the way home from work. An old man with a hat? Really!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Because I Could Not Stop For Death

Leroy's back at his iMac, which he finally managed to install. As usual, he's furious about something, so he takes his frustration out on whatever discussion forum he's managed to log on to. Loretta, naturally, feels compelled to comment on Leroy's acerbity to her apathetic woman neighbor.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Ars Longa

Lockhorns Sunday. I'm not sure if an antiques side show is supposed to be part of a carnival, but whatever it is, Panel One is there to depict Leroy walking off with his purchase which, to no surprise, given Leroy's awful taste in aesthetics, becomes a laughingstock. Panel Two has to get my vote. How can Loretta possibly take offense at Leroy's straightforward remark? Is she that deluded? A classic. As usual, Loretta is on the spot with a pointed criticism in Center Panel as Leroy struggles mightily with a 4 oz. weight. Panel Four exhibits the lengths to which Loretta will go to demonstrate to her apathetic woman neighbors just how lazy Leroy is. Leroy the art hater is in good form in Panel Five; you'll notice Loretta is fully aware of his clever dig at her pretentiousness, just as he intended.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Thank You, Scotland

Today the Lockhorns hit the links. It's no surprise when Loretta decides to regale a purple clad woman acquaintance with a sentence that stresses both Leroy's athletic ineptitude and cheapness. Although a hopeless spendthrift, she's the epitome of economy when it comes to belittling Leroy in public.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Thanks For The Memories

It's that time of the week again when Loretta belittles Leroy over the puny size of his paycheck, only this time she waits until he disrobes in the bedroom instead of accosting him immediately at the front door. Indeed, she's in a merciful mood, but this will evaporate as soon as she hits Bloomingdale's to spend that paycheck into oblivion.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Henny Youngman?

This is just what Leroy needs. He's on his lunch break, and Loretta decides to tag along just to nag him some more---you'll notice she didn't order a lunch. So what happens? A wise ass waiter adds fuel to the fire by smart-mouthing Leroy! Presumably he figured he wasn't going to get a tip anyway.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

White Noise

Poor Leroy cannot stand the incessant howl of Loretta's vacuum cleaner, especially when it interferes with his TV viewing. At least it is preferable to Loretta's nagging; she doesn't have a mute button either. Furthermore, she's doing something beneficial, as opposed to cooking her vile concoctions or running Leroy further into debt with her compulsive shopping sprees.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Atlas Shrugged

Loretta's compulsive shopping is so out of control, she can't even remember what she buys on her internet shopping frenzies. Leroy becomes even more depressed, if indeed that is possible, as he wearies under an ever growing mountain of debt.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Drug Of A Nation

Today we have another classic scene where Leroy sprawls out comatosely in front of the TV and Loretta delivers another of her famous quips to her apathetic woman neighbor. Loretta lives for moments like this, even though she's unaware the world is passing her by too.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

The Fifth Circle

Lockhorns' Sunday begins with Leroy and Loretta dining out in style in Panel One, except there's no catch of the day because the chef was too proud of his most recent catch. Panel Two shows us the most depressed bowling alley manager on earth, and it's no wonder since fashion maven Loretta is putting him through the wringer, as Leroy points out to his unimpressed acquaintance. In Center Panel, Leroy had promised Loretta a wonderful hour of watching reality TV together, only to disappoint her by putting on the Mets game, which Loretta finds not amusing at all. Panel Four is classic, as we see Loretta stymie Leroy with one of her famous hints. After years of marriage, Leroy is cognizant of the meaning behind every silent silent act of spite on Loretta's part. Clearly, he prefers this to having to listen to her nagging. Panel Five brings us to the Levittown cocktail party scene with all the familiar settings. We have Leroy assuming his pedantic pose as he speaks his mind, and Loretta, as usual, balances two olives on a plate. True to form, each Lockhorn has by now bored their respective interlocutors to tears.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The Two Olive Diet

Wasn't it just the other day when Loretta lamented that Leroy had gotten her an ironing board for their first anniversary? She can say what she wants at these Levittown cocktail parties, but every one of her interlocutors remains staunchly apathetic. At least Leroy's is smiling. He must have said something about marriage.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Loretta The Master Of Us All

Leroy's question has been asked countless times through the ages by frantic dieters eager to lose weight, but in his case it makes no sense. Since when does any form of Loretta's cooking constitute anything Leroy, or any other human, likes?

The War On Drugs

Leroy's health is failing, as usual, but this time he gets a rare house call, from someone other than his regular physician. One would think from his shaded nose that he is simply drunk, but then Loretta wouldn't be enjoying Leroy's discomfort so much if this were the case.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

In One Ear And Out The Other

Today has Leroy in the hot seat behind the tall boy desk which appears to levitate. Again, he's struggling to make sense of the Lockhorns' impossibly disastrous finances, and calls Loretta to task for her ridiculous compulsive shopping binges which keeps them in the red.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


Fashion maven Loretta holds court in the Lockhorns' spacious bedroom. Leroy stands before her forlornly and receives his harsh judgement, which Loretta mercifully delivers with economy of style.

Monday, September 7, 2009

So Disposed

Leroy finds the time to entertain his unimpressed neighbor with an atrocious pun while the plumber, in a squatting position, waits in anticipation by the Lockhorns' kitchen sink .

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Fear Ye Not Therefore

Ah, Sunday. Panel One, right off the bat, has to get my vote. Expressly for Loretta's benefit, Leroy lets off with one of his best bon mots ever about his favorite topic of conversation. Panel Two has Leroy at the tall boy desk, trying to make sense of the Lockhorns' disastrous financial muddle. For Leroy, even email is a luxury these days. In Center Panel, Loretta the fashion maven defends her turf against Leroy's embarrassing tastes in mens' leisure attire. Panel Four presents a classic complaint by Leroy, done to intensely humorous effect, as he sweats in the toil of trying to cut the shoe leather that Loretta served as steak. In Panel Five, Loretta complains to an apathetic woman neighbor about Leroy's cheapness in her inimitable style. They made appliances to last in those days.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Leroy and his unimpressed acquaintance walk by a newsstand, behind which sits its morose owner, no doubt worried about the impending demise of the printed newspaper. Leroy can only think of alternative ways to ignore Loretta, and who could blame him?

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Call Of The Wild

Today's Lockhorns is vintage. Loretta, screaming at the top of her lungs, shouts at Leroy to get back to raking the leaves, making sure all of Levittown hears this belittlement. Leroy, more resigned than anything else, attempts to save face in front of his apathetic neighbor with a clever pun employing a telephone service option.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A Pound Of Flesh

We get an unusual bird's eye view of our favorite couple, as Leroy sits behind the computer and waxes nostalgic. He has forgotten that the old "check in the mail" line never worked with banks. This has been a tough week financially for the Lockhorns, even by their standards.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Economics 101

Generally, the lower your credit score, the more leverage the loan officer has in setting the terms of the loan. The Lockhorns' credit score is so low, the loan officer seen here has them completely at his mercy, and is overjoyed with glee to the point of hysterics. The Lockhorns, for once, share in something, namely, misery.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The A.S.P.C.A. Shall Hear Of This!

Even the Lockhorns are not immune to infestation by mice, especially the kind who carve perfect arches in the baseboard. Loretta has ideas of how to trap them humanely, but Leroy masterfully points out the agonizing death in store for the rodents should they ingest her meatloaf.