Friday, July 31, 2009

Leroy Had His Chance

Exasperated marriage counselor D. Pullman listens in as Leroy intentionally misinterprets the famous question asked at all wedding ceremonies just to pique Loretta's ire. This bearded Solomon has to decide between admonishing Leroy to the rules of etiquette or simply appreciating his sense of comedic timing.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Life Sentence

The tall boy desk means only one thing: the Lockhorns are hard at work managing their disastrous finances. It's Loretta's turn in the hot seat, as she tries to alleviate the tension by paying homage to outstanding actor Leonard Nimoy. Leroy thinks, "This is living?"

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Euclid Alone Has Looked On Beauty Bare

Leroy's carbo-loading, begun only yesterday, has gone awry. Bloated with pasta, and thus preoccupied with his expanding girth, he can't even come up with a clever insult about Loretta's cooking. Instead, he merely announces his newly acquired distaste for right rectangular prisms.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

28. Qc3, Qxd5.

Leroy enjoys a dish of spaghetti. It's obvious Loretta didn't prepare it. Having been deprived of an opportunity to offend Leroy's palate, she opts instead to point out to her neighbor the ludicrousness of Leroy's methodical preparations for an activity at which he is woefully inept.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?

It's Lockhorns Bizarro world, as Leroy and Loretta switch roles. Loretta, who fancies herself a woman of refined taste, sets herself up by modeling her latest purchase with swelled pride. Sadly, Leroy's witty comment will bounce right off her, as she's still on too much of a high from her shopping binge to notice. Leroy will painfully relive this experience when the credit card bills come rolling in.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

War Is Peace

Lockhorns Sunday! Vote early and often! In Panel One, Leroy attempts to interrupt Loretta's nagfest by feigning sleep, which by far is his happiest state. The best part is, he openly admits it.

In Panel Two, Loretta's mother, a.k.a. "Queen Victoria," relaxes in a kiddie pool, leaving the door wide open for Leroy's delightfully wry Wizard of Oz reference.

In Center Panel, Loretta discusses twittering with her up to date neighbor at a bus stop (the car must be in the shop again). Is twittering a fad, or here to stay? You couldn't tell by Leroy!

In Panel Four, Loretta goes to great lengths, dragging Leroy all the way to 150 Woodcleft Ave., Freeport, L.I., just to get a rise out of him. She is relentless.

In Panel Five, the gloves are off, as Loretta humiliates Leroy in front of the neighbors with her most scathing indictment yet of Leroy's earning capabilities. The neighbors, far from shocked, have heard and seen it all before.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Loretta's Questionable Metaphor

Pillars of the community, the Lockhorns attend many weddings, where Leroy gets to recite his famous quips about marriage. Today Loretta turns the tables on Leroy, apparently for the bride's benefit, while Leroy simply stares at the groom with abject pity. Clearly Loretta just doesn't have Leroy's flair, but this won't stop her from squelching Leroy's chances for any kind of enjoyment.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Drunk Words, Sober Thoughts

We zoom in on another cocktail party, and Leroy is at it again, letting loose in bacchanalian splendor, and who could blame him? Loretta's through noshing, so her hands are free, but she keeps them by her side as she chooses the nonviolent route, finding it sufficient merely to insult Leroy to her woman neighbor by using a clever analogy to the currently ongoing financial crisis.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Measure For Measure

Loretta and her acquaintance stroll by Freedman Jewelers in Huntington Village, when she suddenly recalls the roll of Reynolds Wrap with which Leroy presented had presented her as a second anniversary gift so very long ago. Leroy is in for a long, unbearable evening, and he'll have no idea why.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Where's Giorgio Armani When You Need Him?

How Leroy always manages to surprise Loretta with new apparel is beyond me, unless he sneaks off and buys them on the sly when Loretta is off on one of her shopping frenzies. Whatever his modus operandi, we are grateful, as fashion maven Loretta never disappoints with her famously wry appraisals.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Myth Of Sisyphus

Leroy is courageous as ever in the face of another of Loretta's compulsive shopping binges where she methodically runs up more credit card bills and puts Leroy even deeper in debt. Stoically, he delivers one of the best witticisms in the history of comics, but sadly, it's all for naught, as his acquaintance's mind is elsewhere, and Loretta's on too much of a high to notice. A tree has fallen.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Samuel Beckett?

All this time I thought Leroy had a jagged upper lip. It turns out it's a mustache! That's the famous Lockhorns minimalism at work, and it is highly evident today, as Loretta poses in front of a simple mirror and delivers a clever remark regarding Leroy's appearance. Leroy looks unfazed.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Bickersons Lived Not In Vain

It's Sunday. Vote early and often. Panel One: Post Liquors, 510 Jericho Pike, Syosset, Long Island, will gladly welcome their most treasured customer. Loretta understands all too well.

Panel Two: Loretta slyly makes Leroy's propensity for flirting and ogling a matter of public record.

Center Panel is a classic. Leroy's sign and facial expression say it all. He has elicited the desired response from Loretta, and masterfully.

Panel Four: Leroy holds back on the wit, but he still achieves dramatic effect by refusing the plate of green substance Loretta has prepared as his unfortunate neighbor guest tries to gulp down at least a few mouthfuls out of politeness.

Panel Five: Loretta invokes Tennessee Williams's famous play as she unleashes a gratuitous complaint about Leroy's stinginess for the benefit of a neighbor couple, whose rolling eyeballs tell you they've seen it all before. So has Leroy, but he's still fuming. An excellent Sunday.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Wrath Yes, Grapes No

As Loretta is to belittling Leroy in front of the neighbors for his stock market failures, so is Leroy duty bound to do the same to Loretta when she thinks she has talent at anything, in this case gardening. At least she isn't trying to sing.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Filthy Lucre

It's payday, which means Leroy must face Loretta's humiliating insults about his paycheck. She lets him off easy this time however, as she only refers to an adage about money, one she believes in, judging by how fast she gets rid of the stuff.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Does God Play Dice?

Leroy's failure in the stock market is legendary even during economic boom times. The depressed state of today's economic affairs, although no match for Leroy's, does nothing to add to his acumen. Luckily for Loretta, a neighbor woman lurks nearby, affording Loretta ample opportunity to belittle Leroy.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Search For Higgs Boson

In today's artfully constructed scene, Loretta walks away from her latest work. Her haughty arrogance says it all. When in pursuit of her shopping activities, Loretta is entitled to go straight from point A to point B, obstacles and pedestrians be damned. With his trademark deadpan delivery, Leroy supplies witty commentary for the benefit of his befuddled neighbor.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Robert Hall?

It's a classic scene amidst an immaculate white background. Leroy proudly models his new blazer, no doubt obtained while sneaking off during one of Loretta's furious shopping sprees. Fashion maven Loretta holds court with gloves off.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Hell's Kitchen

It's leftovers night at the Lockhorns', where Loretta's vile concoctions of glop are even worse the second time around. Leroy's dread is barely perceptible amidst his glum despair. Loretta, ever stoic, stands motionless in front of the most lethal weapon in her arsenal.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Albert Camus?

Feel free to vote for your favorite Sunday Lockhorns cartoon(s). In Panel One, amidst an olive green backdrop, Loretta skillfully comments on Leroy's deplorable sense of fashion. Leroy will no doubt take her suggestion literally, so it would be interesting to see what he comes up with.

In Panel Two, the Levittown cocktail party scene takes place within a strikingly orange venue. Loretta holds her requisite plate with two Spanish olives, and livens things up with a clever comment on Leroy's state of inebriation. This fails to impress Loretta's woman acquaintance.

Leroy's in big trouble in Center Panel. The worst offense I can think of is Leroy canceling one of his credit cards.

In Panel Four we see Leroy and Loretta engaged in one of the many hobbies they share. Leroy's ineptness at these hobbies is magnified by the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal.

In Panel Five, the Lockhorns engage in their favorite pastime amidst bright yellow surroundings. You can tell their relationship is on the ups when they insult the television programming instead of each other.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Stylized Pathos

We're back to the Levittown cocktail party circuit, where Leroy bemuses his interlocutor with another of his famous quips about marriage. Loretta, comfortably seated on a sofa with an acquaintance, pretends not to notice. The tension is palpable.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead

Loretta thinks she's being clever. She thinks she can gaslight Leroy into insanity by leading him intentionally to suspect an attempt on his life by poisoning. Leroy's glance at the fourth wall says it all.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Leroy Beware

Loretta's off on another shopping binge. Leroy suffers the humiliation of following Loretta around and carrying her purse. He finds another similarly emasculated husband with whom to commiserate. He releases his frustration with a remark about Loretta's plump figure. To save face in public, she pretends not to hear.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Sweet Succor Of Death

The Lockhorns have sought the services of a prominent Long Island attorney in drawing up Leroy's will. In spite of Loretta's insult, Leroy proves to be of quite sound mind as he wishes to bequeath his massive credit card debts to her, especially since she ran them up in the first place.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I Am Truly Thankful For What I Have

Loretta's off on one of her frequent compulsive shopping binges, and thus the Lockhorns are guaranteed at least another month of staggering bills, IRS audits, and being hounded by creditors. Within Loretta's earshot, Leroy tries to impress this fact upon his bald portly neighbor. It's all to no avail. Loretta's disdainful expression says it all. The neighbor exudes sympathy and pity for Leroy.

Monday, July 6, 2009


Leroy is concerned about his weight. As he weighs himself on the bathroom scale, Loretta walks by in the adjoining infinite hallway, carrying a dish with both hands. Naturally, she is compelled to hurl an insult at Leroy. This time, she implies that Leroy has been a failure all his life, and he's gaining weight. That's two insults in one.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Probably Burn Them

It's another fantastic Sunday. Don't forget to vote for your favorite, or favorites. In Panel One, Loretta uses a clever play on the word "scene" to insult a dozing Leroy, literally behind his back, all for the benefit of a visiting neighbor woman who probably only wants to get the hell out of there pronto.

In Panel Two, Leroy shows remarkable restraint as he waits until dinner is over and done with before he insults Loretta's cooking.

In Center Panel, we see Loretta fighting her never ending losing battle against flabbiness. I don't know what the hell she's talking about, any more than the woman acquaintance does. I'll assume they're at the gym club, on an infinite purple mat, and the woman was just leaving when she had the unfortunate luck of running into Loretta.

In Panel Four, we discover that the N. Y. Daily News wasn't the only reading material Leroy took with him to the beach yesterday. The tide did come in after all.

In Panel Five, Leroy ogles amorously at a seven foot bimbo, much to Loretta's consternation. This is the swinging Levittown cocktail party scene, and Loretta holds her requisite plate with two Spanish olives on it. The identity of tonight's host is unknown, except that he owns an infinite white carpet.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Working At Your Marriage

It's a slow day for ogling bikini clad women on the beach, so Leroy has taken to reading his New York Daily News right there in the sand. Loretta figures this is as good a time as any to insult Leroy in her famous deadpan style. You can tell she was saving this insult for a while since she took the precaution of showing up at the beach fully clothed.