Where's Rachael Ray When You Need Her?

Leroy musters great courage merely to make the gesture of raising his fork to Loretta's latest culinary abomination. She threw a whole crab along with some batter into a deep fryer filled with Crisco, set it to 450 degrees Fahrenheit, and half an hour later she called it crab cake. Its stench alone is horrifying, let alone its appearance. An enormous crab claw points ominously at Leroy, who is chilled beyond words despite his years spent enduring Loretta's awful cooking. Unable even to conjure up a clever insult, he can only offer a feeble inquiry into Loretta's recipe.