Who Wooed In Haste, And Means To Wed At Leisure

Pillars of the community, the Lockhorns are guests at yet another wedding. This gives Leroy the opportunity to discourage the groom by pontificating about the evils of marriage, no doubt providing a modicum of relief after suffering through decades of his own marriage to Loretta.

The 'C' Students Run The World

The Lockhorns today enact their payday ritual. Leroy arrives home with his paycheck, and Loretta greets him at the front door with vicious ridicule and contempt for his worth as a breadwinner. It's her way of getting even since she can never have enough to satisfy her shopping compulsions.

Two Roads Diverged In A Yellow Wood

Poor Leroy has struggled for years trying to become computer savvy, and all he has to show for it is every computer-related ailment in the book. At least he gets to complain to Loretta for a change.

Where's Jacques-Yves Cousteau When You Need Him?

It's gotten to the point for Leroy where he cannot tell the difference between his television set and his fish tank. Loretta has to be satisfied with pointing out the obvious to Leroy, as there are no neighbors present, and therefore no audience in front of which to belittle Leroy.

One Is Always Alone

If there is a medium by which Loretta can nag Leroy, she'll find it and put it to creative use. Today she has opted to nag Leroy through his Yahoo account, writing out her complaints all in caps for greater effect. Leroy is in for one long miserable day.

A Pound Of Flesh

Judging by Leroy's Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops, it appears the Lockhorns have just flown back from an exotic tropical locale. As happens every time they fly, they have encountered misfortune, in this case the misplacing of Leroy's luggage. Fashion maven Loretta wastes no time in usurping the baggage clerk's attention so that she can deliver a scathing indictment of Leroy's tastes loudly enough for the entirety of Terminal B at JFK to hear.

No Man Is An Island, Entire Of Itself

Lockhorns Sunday! I'd have to split my vote between Panels One and Five, and Leroy's tam o' shanter has a lot to do with that. The miniature golf clubs did the trick as Leroy shot only twenty-five above par for the first time in years, so naturally Loretta will finagle him to rake the yard yet again. In Panel Two, we see Leroy was always years ahead of his time, thinking "you" was really spelled "u" all along. For the unititiated, that's Loretta's mother, a.k.a. "Queen Victoria," that Leroy is using as a model for his jack o' lantern in Center Panel. The whole idea is to pique Loretta's ire, which he does marvelously. Leroy's inafmous cheapness comes to the fore in the last two panels. Slumberland is a furniture store chain in the Midwest, so it is confusing to see the Lockhorns there in Panel Four, unless there's a guy in Long Island about to get hit with a lawsuit. We have classic Leroy in Panel Five. Always the gentleman, he orders two hot dogs for his guests first.

Matthew 19:14

Notoriously accident prone Leroy is in the hospital again. It seems a bicycle was to blame for Leroy's latest debacle. Apparently, he tried to ride one but simply forgot how, if we are to believe Loretta. True to form, she wastes no time in rubbing it in.

Won't You Fill Up, Jack Benny?

The Lockhorns are out and about in Huntington, L. I., and decide to pop in to Freedman's Jewelers on New York Avenue. Whether or not Loretta is trying to get Leroy to buy her a necklace is unclear, but she does take perverse pleasure in trying to impress the haughty salesman with a wry comment about Leroy's cheapness.

How Like A Winter Hath My Absence Been

Yes, Leroy and Loretta once shared the same tastes as to what should be muted when watching television. Those were halcyon days. However, over decades of time, they have drifted apart on this score, and it's a shame. We all hope they can sort this out, otherwise their marriage may enter some rocky waters, and the shock may be too much for us to bear.

I Do Not Love Thee, Dr Fell

Loretta's at it again. The eyes, ears, nose, throat, but mostly mouth, of Levittown is back on the phone, doing what she does best, spreading the latest gossip faster than the most ferocious Southern California wildfire. Leroy figures it's tit for tat, as he, for a change, drags an unsuspecting neighbor by the frightful scene, just so he can insult Loretta in front of an audience.

A Wild Night And A New Road

Today we have the classic scene where Leroy is sacked out on the living room couch and Loretta makes a point of dragging a hapless woman neighbor by that couch, just to insult Leroy in front of an audience, whether the audience is interested or not. We can safely assume the neighbor is not at all interested in this curious ritual that she has already witnessed at least fifty times. She may think twice next time before paying Loretta a visit.

Maybe H. W. Fowler Was Right

Leroy and Loretta do share activities from time to time, provided they're passive enough to preclude the vicious arguing and fighting that usually ensues. Television watching is one such activity, but today they're both glued to Leroy's trusty iMac, surfing the Internet. Leroy is disgusted at the state of affairs he encounters, so he lets his feelings be known with a pun atrocious enough for Loretta's tastes.

Der Ring Des Nibelungen

Vote early and often for your favorite Lockhorns Sunday comic. The chuckles begin with Panel One, when Leroy, well known for his cheapness, takes the term "housewarming" just a bit too literally. In his defense, he's only trying to annoy Loretta, and who can blame him? Loretta's at the tall boy desk in Panel Two, as it's her turn to deal with the Lockhorns' impossibly dire financial straits. A mathematician would be quick to point out to Loretta here that their debt has gotten so out of control that the factorial function is needed to express it. Pillars of the community, the Lockhorns have been invited to yet another wedding in Center Panel, where Leroy usually pulls out his bag of quips about the institution of marriage. Loretta tries to beat him to the punch by pulling out her bag of insults about him, as she relates a possibly apocryphal tale about Leroy to her apathetic neighbor. I would split my vote between this, and Panel Four, where Leroy cuts right to the heart of the matter, and probably a lot easier than he's managing to cut through Loretta's disgusting meat loaf. Panel Five is also strong among an overall splendid field of Lockhorns Sunday comics, as Leroy lets loose at another Levittown cocktail bash with a seven foot bimbo, while exasperated Loretta can only make impromptu insults about her husband to the nearest handy woman neighbor.

Where Have You Gone, Edward R. Murrow?

We're back at the Levittown cocktail party scene, and Loretta is in prime form as she gossips like crazy with a woman neighbor who is eager to get all the dirt. Leroy, tonight obviously a bit tired and exasperated, can only offer a comparison between Loretta and the major national commercial television news networks to a similarly disgusted acquaintance.

Say It Ain't So, Don Rickles

It seems we have insults galore today at the local automobile showroom. Leroy has tried to trade Loretta in on the "Cash for Clunkers" government program. This is a classic ploy by Leroy, as he no doubt lured Loretta into the showroom under false pretenses to set her up for humiliation. But then the salesman insults Leroy by apologizing to Loretta, implying that it's her tough luck to be stuck with Leroy.

While Joseph Heller Weeps

It is a rare instance indeed when the Lockhorns aren't at each other's throats in the heat of an argument. Their usual routine has been disrupted by Loretta's frantic search for something she's misplaced. Exasperated, she utters a humorous old conundrum, whereupon Leroy trumps her by telling her to find the object before resuming its search.

Where Have You Gone, John Maynard Keynes?

It's hard to fathom how the Lockhorns could have been unaware of their financial mess. It's a basic fact that if you spend more than you make, then you'll be in debt. Given Leroy's inadequate paycheck, and Loretta's insanely irresponsible shopping habits, especially over decades of time, how can any news from their financial advisor have been a surprise?

Lest We Forget

The Lockhorns are in the midst of yet another argument, no doubt precipitated by Loretta's incessant nagging. Somehow, the topic of whether or not Leroy forgets his mistakes has arisen. Leroy defends himself marvelously with a timely riposte, simply by reminding Loretta of her tendency to hold grudges over the most trivial of matters.

I Love Thee Freely, As Men Strive For Right

Loretta fails to realize that Leroy will say absolutely anything if it will get her to shut up for at least a minute or two. He finally gets a moment's peace as Loretta decides to bore her apathetic guest with more of her clever insults about him.

To Have And Have Not

Lockhorns Sunday. D. Pullman, the Lockhorns' marriage counselor, really has his hands full in Panel One, which has to get my vote. Only Leroy and Loretta could complicate a corny exercise such as "trust falls" by incorporating the childrens' playground standard of rock, scissors, paper. Leroy ogles a blonde bimbo over in the next alley in Panel Two while out bowling with Loretta. Instead of resorting to violence, Loretta assaults Leroy with an awful pun. In Center Panel, Loretta lays out an ultimatum for Leroy, who has tried to weasel out of buying Loretta a fur coat by pretending to be an animal rights activist. Her threat cannot carry much weight, since it is impossible to tell whatever it is Loretta prepares in the kitchen since it's all inedible anyway. In Panel Four, Leroy is feeling old as he strains mightily to rake leaves in the front yard. In Panel Five, Leroy has a long wait in queue at the DMV, and figures that the wait will chew up the time he would otherwise spend cooling his heels in Dr. H. Blog's waiting room.

Say It Ain't So, Albert Einstein

It's never a good day for Leroy when Loretta drags him along on one of her frequent compulsive shopping binges. At least he usually manages to run across similarly henpecked husbands with whom to commiserate. The $150 figure cited by Leroy seems to indicate that he lost sight of Loretta for approximately 10 seconds.

Move Over, Eddie Shack

You've got to love irascible Leroy. So well known is his foul temper, that when Disney On Ice comes to town, they keep open the penalty box normally used for New York Islanders home games. Sure enough, he earned a five-minute major for fighting when he began hurling insults at the minimum wage schlep skating in the Mickey Mouse costume. You've also got to love Loretta's sense of loyalty and nostalgia, as she refuses to believe the Ice Capades went out of business years ago.

The Golden Mile

We have a reassuringly familiar scene with Leroy sprawled on the couch and with Loretta, as usual, nagging Leroy, this time for his lack of an exercise regimen. Leroy takes the opportunity to register a classic complaint among middle aged men. The only remaining question is how far the Lockhorns' bathroom is from the bedroom.

These Chains That Bind Me

We have all noticed with amusement from time to time how banks and other public institutions always keep their pens tethered with little chains to prevent their pilferage, intentional or otherwise. Nonetheless, it's always a pleasure to hear Loretta, of the keenest wit and never at a loss for words, make the clever observation that's always on our minds. Leroy, in a sense having himself been tethered for decades, will not share in our enjoyment today.

On The Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis

Leroy is downstairs in his rumpus room, enjoying his extra large plasma wall TV. Naturally, Loretta seeks him out to nag him some more, ostensibly about his TV viewing habits. Leroy, completely unabashed, actually takes joy in explaining his sports viewing philosophy to a momentarily silenced Loretta.

Nectar Of The Gods

We certainly can't blame Leroy for turning every project into a liquor cabinet. The man cannot even seek solace in his own work shop without Loretta sauntering by to insult, harangue, or nag him. He knows that alcohol is the cheapest and most readily available means to deaden Loretta's nettlesome effect. Why on earth would he design anything other than a liquor cabinet?

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

We see the Lockhorns grocery shopping in Panel One, where Loretta recites the obligatory pun about twittering which compares the word to the derogatory "twit;" nothing is too cliched when it comes to insulting Leroy in public. Panel Two has my vote, as we see vintage D. Pullman at his sardonic best. Leroy in Center Panel gets in a rare riposte amidst the usual salvo of nagging barbs from Loretta, as he extols the benefits of the famous La-Z-Boy recliner chair. It's perfectly logical that Loretta feels compelled to hide the cookies in Panel Four since by default they are the only thing edible in the house. In Panel Five, despite the bored mien of the neighbor, Leroy may not be exaggerating by all that much, as trees probably are, in some innate manner, aware of when road menace Loretta is behind the wheel.

There But By The Grace Of God Go I

The Lockhorns are out to the movies again, this time in a really small theater crammed into a corner of the local shopping mall. Leroy usually likes to tell nobody in particular among the audience about Loretta's annoying qualities, yet he cannot tolerate as much as a whisper from anybody else. Loretta, unsurprisingly, is quick to point out his hypocrisy, much to Leroy's consternation.

With Apologies To Little Eva

It's always a pleasure to see the Lockhorns dining at home; it is here when Leroy is at his acerbically witty best as he dishes out his bon mots in response to the inedible glop Loretta dishes out to him. It's typical for Loretta, that for all her worrying about food triangles and Leroy's shape, she serves a dinner solely comprising a disgusting gelatinous mass that she calls "mashed potatoes."

Assume Euclid's Fifth Postulate

Leroy's infamous poor health has him back in the doctor's office. Naturally, Loretta tags along to nag and annoy Leroy. She interrupts Dr. H. Blog's examination by referring to a food group chart, all as a clever ruse for poking fun at Leroy's abominable physical shape, paying no attention, of course, to her own.