But Our Great Turks In Wit Must Reign Alone

Today's comic raises the question, whom is Leroy addressing, the salesman or Loretta? It all depends on who dared utter the cliche, "fits like a glove," in Leroy's presence. Leroy responds quickly with a timeworn response of his own. Tit for tat.

I Never Lost As Much But Twice, And That Was In The Sod

Today's Lockhorns Sunday is superb. In Panel One, Leroy demonstrates his understanding of the American convention of separating the thousands' digit from the hundreds' by a comma. Still, even with motormouth Loretta around, surely he can find a better cell phone plan than that! Panel Two brings us to the Levittown cocktail party scene, where Leroy adjusts his tie with a gesture of bravado as he prepares to approach a seven foot tall blonde bimbo, despite Loretta's gentle warning. In Panel Three, Leroy encounters his usual dejection when he weighs himself on the bathroom scale. Leave it to Loretta to give this all too familiar scene a clever twist. Panel Four affords us a glimpse of Leroy's famous frugality. What better way to fend off the chills of a brutal Long Island winter than by putting those reams of otherwise unwanted junk mail to good use? In Panel Five, we see that playing the New York State Lottery is still a favorite pastime of Leroy's. In spite of Loretta's wry comment, he harbors no delusions of winning; simply, the more money he forks over to the state treasury, the less Loretta can get her hands on. Good luck voting this week. I can't possibly decide which of these splendid comics is best, even with splitting my vote.

Tis But Thy Name That Is My Enemy

Poor Leroy is in the doghouse again. This necessitates a visit to the florist to buy his wife what's-her-name a piece offering. I'll lay ten to one odds that Loretta this minute is running up a monumental debt on Leroy's credit card at Bloomimgdale's in the Roosevelt Field Mall. That's usually a safe bet.

Where Have You Gone, Josephine Bonaparte?

The Lockhorns and another couple are having a little klatsch. To the wife of the couple, Loretta laments her disappointment in her spouse, while Leroy appears in the background with the mustachioed husband who seems rather puffed with pride. By contrast, Leroy appears unkempt and morose, as if to serve as the perfect foil for Loretta's insulting barbs.

Where Have You Gone, Norman Rockwell?

The Lockhorns celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday with the only couple on Long Island who remain unaware of Loretta's notoriously toxic cooking. As the foursome sit before their sparse repast comprising a sole turkey, we learn through Leroy that gravy accompanies the meal. He takes sadistic delight in remarking on the disgustingly thick consistency of Loretta's gravy, much to her ire.

None But Yourself Who Are Your Greatest Foe

Leroy's back on his trusted iMac, and he's gotten the hang of this Facebook thing, so much so that he's managed to personalize his homepage with his own unique brand of panache. Yes, only Leroy, notorious for his surliness and acrimony, can conjure up an enemies list to compliment the friends list that Facebook automatically supplies. Loretta is less than impressed.

There's Small Choice In Rotten Apples

A dejected Leroy and his apathetic neighbor sit morosely in adjacent armchairs in the Lockhorns' living room amidst a continual, and loud, torrent of nagging, complaining, and beratement from Loretta, who stands two feet away with mouth agape, bellowing for all of Long Island to hear. Leroy indicates the extremes to which he'd go only to shut Loretta up.

Where Have You Gone, Oleg Cassini?

Somewhere in his bedroom closet, amidst his Nehru jackets and bell bottomed trousers, Leroy still keeps his beloved collection of tie-dyed shirts. He silently contemplates the day when he once again can don these shirts, only to have his dreams abruptly crushed by Loretta the fashion maven.

If Those I Loved Were Lost

It's Lockhorns Sunday! Panel One affords us a glimpse of the interior of the Lockhorns' refrigerator, rather sparsely stocked today except for an ample supply of Leroy's beer. Loretta is no doubt familiar with the routine where Leroy imbibes heavily in the hopes of drowning out her incessant nagging. Panel Two allows us to witness first hand Loretta's delusional tendencies. We already know she considers herself witty and talented, which is bad enough, but now we see she also thinks she's beautiful, at least in comparison to Leroy. Center Panel brings us to Leroy's personal arena, where he is continually at war with all agencies, companies, businesses, and institutions with which he deals every day, in this case the USPS. Panel Four gives us a bird's eye view of Loretta's hopelessly inept driving skills on display. That's a tight squeeze even for a skilled driver, so Leroy would be better off parking the vehicle himself instead of trying to impart upon Loretta an impromptu geometry lesson. Nonetheless, this panel gets my vote, but it was a close call, as Panel Five shows us that Leroy apparently subscribes to the handyman's mantra, "If it moves when it ain't supposed to, apply duct tape," and probably its corollary, "If it don't move when it should, apply WD-40," as well.

Cruelty Has A Human Heart

We're back at the Levittown cocktail party scene. Loretta, sans olives, is ready to converse with her frumpy neighbor stage right while Leroy has his eyes on a seven foot blonde bimbo stage left. Loretta has made it clear she won't tolerate Leroy as much as a modicum of enjoyment, which prompts Leroy to his ornithological comment.

Fifteen Men On The Dead Man's Chest

Once again, the Lockhorns enact their peculiar ritual when Leroy brings home his paycheck, hands it over to Loretta, and then disgruntingly bears the brunt of her humiliating insults. What makes this ritual even more fascinating is that while the check represents Leroy's earnings, it is Loretta who spends it into oblivion when she embarks on her cumpulsive shopping frenzies.

Revelations 13:18

Leroy is intimately familiar with hospital rooms and doctors' offices. If he's not there because of poor health or accident proneness, it's because of Loretta. She has inflicted a rather severe bruise in Leroy's side by trying to beat the fear of God into him, although given Leroy's fragile constitution, it probably only took a couple of discreet pokes. We see that Leroy's personal physician has changed his hair color.

A Life In The Woods

Loretta is creative when it comes to tormenting Leroy. She is dedicated to this task as well, as evidenced by the effort required to wake Leroy out of a sound sleep at 3:05 AM.

Where Is There Dignity Unless There Is Honesty?

It looks like any idiot can start his or her own blog these days; I ought to know. We see Loretta has now joined the legions of bloggers, much to Leroy's chagrin, as he laments his woes to his apathetic neighbor. Indeed, instead of merely listening to Loretta's insults and nagging all day long, he also gets to read them in print, along with the millions of readers Loretta's blog is sure to attract.

I Had Been Hungry All The Years

Loretta takes her turn in the hot seat at the Lockhorns' infamous tall boy desk, where the horrors of their debt ridden financial straits are faced head on, much like an oncoming train. So desperate is their plight that they have to purchase cup holders on a monthly plan. The interest on that transaction alone is probably killing them.

When You Are Old And Gray And Full Of Sleep

Lockhorns Sunday! Does anybody still remember how Truth and Dare is played? Leroy does, and he's playing it right now in Panel One to slip Loretta a backhanded insult about her fashion sense. The Lockhorns' woes with automobile mechanics continue in Panel Two. Given Loretta's destructive tendencies behind the wheel, it's a wonder how the car could last long enough even to allow consideration of its warranty's length. Center Panel has Loretta pining away for the days of youth, before overeating became just another way of escaping the miseries of life. Simply grateful for an edible meal, Leroy happily chomps on his toothpick, as America's favorite couple strolls away from the winner of the 2009 Long Island Association of Restaurateurs Cheesiest Website Award. Loretta's strange mother, a.k.a. "Queen Victoria," appears in Panel Four, where Leroy refers to a big hit 1980s pop tune to insult the old woman's eye brows. In Panel Five, the Lockhorns have gotten together with the neighbors to watch TV, so Loretta decides to set the pace for the evening by beginning immediately with insults about Leroy.

Let Me Not To The Marriage Of True Minds Admit Impediments

The Lockhorns, pillars of the community to all ages, have welcomed a young couple into their home, expressly to perform their most valuable service by discouraging the young couple away from thoughts of matrimony. They usually need only lead by example, but every so often they dispense sage advice, as we see Leroy doing.

Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer's Day?

The week long celebration of Loretta's birthday continues, and what better way to culminate the festivities on a Friday than to have Leroy present to Loretta his long awaited gift. Naturally, he gives Loretta a household appliance, in this case a vacuum cleaner, which tops the iron he gave her last year. Leroy's grand pose with arm extended says it all.

The Living Dead

Loretta's birthday party continues! Today the neighborhood wives have joined Loretta in a huge nag fest on Leroy, whereupon they disclose ever so subtly their opinions of the guy via their novelty tee shirt gifts. Loretta cannot remember a warmer, more pleasant, birthday celebration.

Old Too Soon, Wise Too Late

It's Loretta's (thirty-ninth) birthday party, as she basks in the glow of the birthday cake candles. In so many words, Leroy tries to convey to his neighbor the astonishing fact that Loretta is old.

What Hast Thou Wrought, Aristotle?

We have a classic Lockhorns scene where Loretta completely flummoxes D. Pullman the marriage counselor with her own peculiar brand of logic. Thus Pullman sees first hand exactly what Leroy is up against, although, even for $175 an hour, he can offer no solutions.

With Mirth And Laughter Let Old Wrinkles Come

We see that Loretta uses Jack Benny's old gag of referring to every one of her birthdays as her 39th. This woman, devoid of the capability of original thought, sits and reads in her armchair with all the haughtiness of Marie Antoinette. Go figure. Meanwhile, Leroy does his part to make Loretta's vanity well known.

America's Tragic Theater

Lockhorns Sunday! Panel One has America's favorite couple engaged in their favorite pastime, arguing. Loretta assumes her typically haughty pose, as she adds her unique brand of logic to the equation, much to Leroy's annoyance. Things are a bit more amenable in Panel Two, where the Lockhorns get together with neighbors for a little klatsch, and Leroy tries to impress upon his interlocutor that Loretta is old. Center Panel has Leroy at his classic best. He not only got free tickets from Hofstra University's School of Medicine, but he gets to enact some revenge on Loretta for all those operas she's dragged him to. With all the weddings the Lockhorns attend, it is inevitable that a May--December affair turn up once in a while, as it does in Panel Four. When it does, you can bet Loretta is on the ready with a marvelously pithy quip to appraise the situation. Panel Five is surreal, and just crazy enough to split my vote with Center Panel. Taken at face value, it speaks for itself. I suppose a mundane meaning could be applied here, if you can believe that Leroy and Loretta are avid fanatics of NFL teams (respectively, the Vikings and Packers, who are fierce rivals). That's not too much of a stretch, given that the local team, the Jets, sucks. On the other hand, since when does Loretta even care about football?

Another Network For Rupert Murdoch

Loretta, the mighty wordsmith, is at it again, as she parades her latest visitor by Leroy's easy chair for the express purpose of insulting him in front of an audience. As usual, she does this by using a play on words of a popular adage. Leroy is blissfully ignorant of the proceedings, as he watches the Dick Tracy Channel.

Where Have You Gone, Ben Franklin?

Leroy's notorious acrimony toward his neighbors comes to the fore today, as he has gruffly cut short the visit of one of Levittown's many couples who visit the Lockhorns regularly, no doubt with some sort of insult. Apparently, Loretta prefers their company to his, so Leroy has an additional bon mot for Loretta as the couple walks away.

Cliff's Notes For Insurance Salesmen

Whom is Loretta kidding? Sure, I can understand her ridiculing Leroy's salary for the benefit of their insurance salesman. It's too bad her "current lifestyle" of ridiculously irresponsible compulsive shopping binges would require funds in excess of many countries' gross national products to keep Leroy from living precariously in the red, since this renders her complaint less than believable.

Where Have You Gone, Dr. Crippen?

Leroy, with his distinctive dramatic flair, discloses to his portly neighbor his greatest fear, namely, facing Loretta's abominable culinary fare. The fact is, all of her deadly recipes have his name on them, probably along with a meticulous log that records his physical reactions.

Nel Mezzo Del Cammin Di Nostra Vita

Leroy's troubles and disgust with telephone menus are legendary. He's given up entirely ever grappling with a phone menu again. All he can do now is convince Loretta of the hopelessness of such pursuits.

You Are My Sunshine

Poor Leroy is having a miserable day, dejected by his excessive weight and middle-age spread. Naturally, Loretta is by his side, to provide him with even more reasons to feel despair.

The Wind Is Tossing The Lilacs

Lockhorns Sunday! Leroy is having difficulty with his remote control mattress in Panel One, providing Loretta a good opportunity to "forget how it works." In Panel Two, Loretta tries to no avail to educate Leroy about probability theory. He merely figures, the more he loses, the less she gets her hands on. Loretta voices her displeasure in Center Panel for Leroy's decomposing Jack o' lantern. In Panel Four, we see that Leroy has had it with fast food drive throughs! The poor minimum wage schleps working at this one had better brace themselves for Leroy's megaphone and seething rage. Leroy and Loretta show up in Panel Five at Levittown's latest cocktail bash, where Loretta, perhaps inspired by Roller Derby, has donned a referee's shirt and a whistle, no doubt making clear her intention to keep Leroy separated from the bimbos.