To Arms, To Arms! My Jolly Grenadiers!

Given Leroy's notoriety for rankling his neighbors, Loretta should have thought beyond the usual taboos of politics and religion. You can't really blame her, though. In time, the list of forbidden topics will grow as surely as Leroy accumulates more shiners at various Levittown residences.

Vesti La Giubba

Leroy's timing is impeccable. He catches Loretta at the perfect moment to deliver his brilliant coup de pointe. It's his only chance for anything even remotely resembling pleasure this evening, and he's taken full advantage.

Where Have You Gone, Carl Jung?

Leroy hasn't even bothered to show up for the latest session with D. Pullman, Marriage Counselor, in spite of the fact he has to shell out $175 an hour. Considering Pullman's dry, uninspiring manner and Loretta's incessant prattle, thus denying Leroy the opportunity ever to get a word in, it is understandable why he considers the whole thing a waste of time. Loretta remains an avid attendee, peppering her vocabulary with the latest psychobabble.

Give Me A Doctor Partridge Plump

Leroy's notoriously poor health lands him in the hospital once again. Loretta, quite used to this spectacle, is unfazed. Her excessive spending habits necessitate Leroy's being much more wary than your average debt-ridden American consumer.

On The Reef Of Norman's Woe!

It's Lockhorns Sunday! In Panel One, we see that even fashion mogul Loretta, she of the most refined of tastes, is not above donning a low brow "I'm with stupid" T-shirt . Indefatigable Leroy has his say in Panel Two, as he explains the Lockhorns dinner protocol to his guest, who by now has surmised the doom awaiting him. The Lockhorns share a rare moment of tenderness in Center Panel, as Leroy figures he may want to weigh his words more carefully in the future. Panel Four provides a clever twist. It's usually Loretta who drags an unwilling Leroy off to venues of culture, such as art exhibits, only to hear Leroy gripe about the pretentiousness of it all. This time, Loretta beats Leroy to the punch with a clever critique of modern art. Panel Five brings us to the Levittown cocktail party scene, where, once again, Leroy ogles an enormous towering bimbo while straightening his tie. Such lechery does not go unnoticed by Loretta, who promptly hands her drink to her neighbor in preparation for getting down to business.

Where Have You Gone, Ernest Thayer?

Oh, somewhere in Long Island the Christmas star shines bright, The carolers are singing, and somewhere hearts are light, And somewhere men and women laugh, and little children play, But there is no joy at the Lockhorns', especially today! Let's all hope Leroy had the presence of mind to spend verry little on that clock.

To Speke Of Wo That Is In Mariage

Loretta kicks off her Christmas holiday by complaining, for the third time this week, about Leroy's cheapness. It's obvious she talked Leroy into inviting the neighbors over just so she could have somebody to complain to. The neighbors seem particularly morose, but at least Leroy got to spike his coffee with alcohol.

Where Have You Gone, Sextus Propertius?

The Lockhorns are full fledged members of the Levittown cocktail party circuit, and have hosted more than their fair share of soirees over the years. The Lenharts, undoubtedly, have acquired intimate familiarity with the cocktail bashes thrown by Leroy and Loretta.

And Borrowing Dulls The Edge Of Husbandry

Loretta continues to harp on Leroy's cheapness for the second consecutive day. Her unfortunate redcoated neighbor gets to hear Loretta bemoan Leroy's having borrowed every gardening and carpentry tool in Levittown, rather than just buying his own. Then again, her excessive shopping sprees prevent him from doing so!

Преступление и наказание

A day doesn't go by when Loretta fails to complain about Leroy's cheapness to anybody within earshot, whether they care to listen or not, and it's usually the latter, as exemplified brilliantly by Loretta's betoqued acquaintance. What is especially impressive is New York City's new publicity campaign against crime. Where can I get a copy of that poster?

Don't Cry For Me Agrippina

D. Pullman, Marriage Counselor really takes the cake. He charges $175 an hour and then advises Leroy to compliment Loretta on her cooking. That's like complimenting your wife on her marksmanship as she drills you through the heart with a .357 Magnum. It's clear D. Pullman has given up on this train wreck of a marriage and is just going through the motions.

La Traviata

Lockhorns Sunday! Panel One suggests Leroy and Loretta are toying with the idea of infidelity. It's a safe bet Leroy hasn't got any bait and that any sane angler would throw Loretta back into the water. Leroy is working up a sweat in Panel Two, as he works out in the aptly named neighborhood gym at Loretta's insistence. His songwriting analogy fails to impress his neighbor. Loretta continues to deny she is nagging in Center Panel, as she has done while nagging Leroy for ten consecutive days. Panel Four gets my vote, as Leroy drinks a toast in preparation for eating the nauseating glop Loretta has served for dinner. Poor Leroy, in Panel Five, has decked himself out in sports fan regalia (i.e., is dressed as an idiot) in the mistaken assumption that tonight was the Jets game at the Meadowlands. The nifty loge box Loretta managed to snag for tonight's opera at the Met fails to assuage Leroy's ire.

Stop All The Clocks, Cut Off The Telephone

Leroy continues to wage war against annoying telemarketers. He figures tit for tat, as his supper was interrupted, so will he interrupt their breakfast. Implicit is the probable fact that Loretta did not prepare tonight's repast, otherwise Leroy would surely welcome any interruption at all.

Christmas Creep

Loretta is out with Leroy at the neighborhood Christmas tree lot, where hundreds of fir trees have been cut and stacked for sale. Leroy's penury is legendary; surely he wants to minimize the expense in subsidizing this seasonal industry as much as possible. Loretta shows her disdain for the excuses he offers her by commenting about them to her amused neighbor.

Death Be Not Proud

Apparently Leroy has stopped by his favorite watering hole on the way home from work. Who can blame him? Judging from Loretta's nighttime attire, he has arrived home quite late. Therefore Loretta gives him the third degree. Leroy attempts to diffuse the tension with a clever reference to television game shows.

Thou Still Unravish'd Bride Of Quietness

Apparently, Leroy's waiting time in Dr. H. Blog's office was much longer than the 45 minutes predicted by the insolent nurse yesterday. Whatever the case, Leroy seems to be in arrears, and has admitted as much to the doctor, who seems skeptical. If he only knew!

Where Have You Gone, Alfred Lord Tennyson?

Leroy is a frequent visitor to Dr. H. Blog's office, and no doubt a favorite target of Blog's crosseyed ichthyoidal nurse. Although Loretta tags along as usual to nag and insult her husband, the nurse deftly beats her to the punch by slathering on a healthy dose of sarcasm to get beneath Loretta's skin as well as Leroy's.

I Tie The Noose On In A Knowing Way

We all know that neckties, among all accoutrements foisted upon mankind, are utterly useless, unless one specifically wishes to cut off the circulation of blood to one's head. Thus it stands to reason Goodwill has no use for anybody's neckties, let alone the garishly loud specimens that somebody with Leroy's taste in haberdashery would have accumulated over the years.

Die Meistersinger Von Nürnberg

Lockhorns Sunday! Leroy is out of sorts in Panel One, thus accounting for Loretta's good mood. A clever dig to her neighbor about Leroy's weekend lassitude certainly wouldn't hurt, either. Thank God for this blog, or I'd miss out on the latest in popular culture. Thanks to Loretta in Panel Two, I know now what Zappos is. This cartoon gets my vote today simply on the basis of Leroy's priceless eye-rolling expression. Center Panel brings us a new twist, with no pun intended, on the old vaudeville joke, "Hey, doc, it hurts whenever I do this!" It makes you wonder how a couple that plays Hasbro games together can be so miserable. The tables are turned in Panel Four. It's not Loretta, the world's most reckless driver, being pulled over by the cops. It's not Loretta, the notorious cocktail party caterwauler, being ridiculed for loud, offensive, off key singing. It's Leroy! Panel Five wraps things up with a living room scene as the Lockhorns entertain neighbors. Leroy uses a boxing match as a pretext to get in a good dig at Loretta's verystrange mother, a.k.a. "Queen Victoria."

Chivalry Is Not Dead

Loretta, in a fit of resigned self-pity, complains to her apathetic acquaintance that Leroy is not quite so gallant as he used to be. What he may lack in valor he more than makes up for in sheer magnificence, as his exaggerated chivalrous pose when he holds open the electric door with his toe suggests. His apparent happiness could be from imagining that he's helping her into an electric chair.

No Jury Would Convict Him

Loretta is no doubt familiar with the United States Bankruptcy Code. She cites it as an excuse to nag Leroy about his perpetual state of debt, even though the chances that one engaged in the use of one's computer would actually be writing one's autobiography is infinitesimal. Considering it's Loretta who puts Leroy in debt in the first place, it's a safe bet that Leroy is now googling the New York State Penal Code for uxoricide.

Where Have You Gone, Elliot Jaques?

What's going on at Chip's Choppers? Is Leroy exhibiting signs of midlife crisis? Is he even serious about buying that motorcycle? Or is he perhaps merely mocking Loretta with parody? After all, his exaggerated pose and convoluted logic are both highly reminiscent of Loretta, not to mention the idea of spending money he doesn't have for something he can't afford.

Das Kapital

Leroy's strong suits include neither subtlety nor tact, especially when it comes to employees of business establishments and institutions, with whom he is constantly at war. His deadpan expression as he gets under the skin of a nondescript bank manager lends to his gesture true magnificence, even if Loretta seems less than impressed.

There Is Another Sky, Ever Serene And Fair

Loretta is ever vigilant when it comes to disparaging her husband. Today, as the Lockhorns arise to face another day, she decides to deride Leroy over his baldness. By inference, she also alludes to his generally unkempt appearance as he lumbers out of bed. She's off to good start today, and chances are she will not relent as the day wears on.

Pro Deo Et Patria

Apparently the residents of Long Island are mindless drones, conditioned to stand at attention and place their right hands over their hearts whenever they hear the strains of 'The Star Spangled Banner' [sic]; this pertains even to cheesy electronic ringtones from cell phones.

Alles In Ordnung

An exceptional Lockhorns Sunday! Kicking off with Panel One, Loretta tries with a bon mot to convey the utter depths of Leroy's poor taste in table lamps. Expecting anybody to believe she can be speechless, even in a rhetorical sense, is beyond the stretch of even the most vivid imagination humanly possible. Panel Two gets my vote. The image of Loretta, self deluded into thinking she has any kind of talent at all, methodically pawing the keys of the living room spinet, and bellowing forth her trademark horrifying shrieks, is too good to pass up. Add to this Leroy's wry comment to his incredulous neighbor, and we surely have a winner. Leroy's ire is surely justified in Center Panel. He has to foot the bill for D. Pullman's $175 hourly fee. In addition, he has to pay for Loretta's ridiculously compulsive shopping sprees, as well as for ongoing car repair due to Loretta's negligent driving habits. Toss in her inability to cook, and her propensity for continual nagging, and it's a miracle he didn't punch D. Pullman's lights out on the spot for siding with Loretta! In Panel four, we learn that Loretta's dreadful inability to produce anything edible (or potable) in her kitchen extends to something as simple as coffee. Leroy is left speechless here, but at least in Panel Five he gets to experience at least a few minutes of fun, as he lets loose at a Levittown cocktail bash by cutting a rug with a shapely blonde seven foot tall bimbo. God only knows what Loretta has in store for her husband in retribution, as she so hints to her google eyed neighbor over a couple of martinis.

Cave Canem, Te Necat Lingendo

Leroy and Loretta are socializing at another Levittown cocktail soiree. This usually entails Leroy standing morosely in the background while Loretta insults him in front of anybody who happens to be within earshot, which, given Loretta's notoriously stentorian nature, more often than not encompasses the entire room. This time she has cornered a sole unwitting woman acquaintance, but no audience is too small for Loretta once she sets herself to the task at hand. Her clever metaphor is accentuated by Leroy's juxtaposition to a somewhat prominent looking mustachioed gentleman.

The + IRS = Theirs

The Lockhorns are frequent visitors to the Garden City, Long Island branch office of the IRS, due to their being audited at least once a month. It's no wonder, since Leroy has to tax his creativity when he fills his tax returns, since his income is miniscule when compared to the enormous expenses incurred by Loretta's compulsive shopping binges.

Where Have You Gone, Eugene Ormandy?

Who says Leroy is a low-brow? While lesser males of the species are content making fools of themselves playing air guitar to Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love," Leroy busies himself conducting the Philadelphia Orchestra. Naturally, this won't impress Loretta, who has delusions of being highly cultured. Hence she deems it necessary to disparage Leroy's efforts to her apathetic purple clad neighbor, who had just happened to drop by for a visit which she'll no doubt regret.

Division Of Labor

The Lockhorns make Christmas simple. They have whittled their chores for this holiday down to exactly two, signing cards and signing checks. Leroy explains to his apathetic neighbor who does which.

Water, Water, Everywhere, Nor Any Drop To Drink

It's Loretta's turn in the hot seat at the Lockhorns' infamous tall boy desk, where America's favorite couple continually grapples with their impossibly dire morass of financial woes. Even Loretta's customary self delusion cannot save the day, since she and Leroy both know that their ship, far from having been coming in, has never even been seen on the horizon.